Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The New Year!!

Well, ladies and gentleman of the online world.  What can I say except this year has been filled with fun, amazing days and terrible horrifying events?  I have learned from everything and now leaving all that in the past, but the lessons I learned. I go forth into 2011 with guilt free peace, love, and a new found appreciation for true self acceptance.

Life in general can take a toll on you as you progress through any year.  By about T giving, everyone is about ready for the year to be over if not sooner.  I try to remember the balance daily and as a whole in life between the positive and negative.  I have been blessed with the ability to start my hair removal and hormone replacement therapy, I suppose is balanced by the two auto thefts I have gone through this year.  I am blessed in the way that the community I live in is mostly accepting of who I am.  And this is balanced out by obscene comments I receive like, "Oh my f***ing god" or "oh shit thats a ..."  At the end of year I look where I started and where I ended up.  Naturally trying in some way to allow myself praise.  But this year has been a year of such mixed activities.  I have been spending so much time focusing on my trans related issues, that I have not seen much of an improvement on scale of life.  In fact I feel like I have gone the opposite way.  I never supposed single parenting was easy or affordable for that matter.  I knew I would have a financial struggle,  I just did not think that I would be a single trans woman single parent with no college degree.  Fortunately I have or should I say had strength and will power and a fearless attitude to allow me to excel in construction up until the latter part of this year.  The hormones are diminishing my upper body strength quickly and for that matter changing my over all attitude about construction in general. It also took a lot less mental will power prior to the banning of testosterone from my body.  I just don't feel the desire to create in that fashion any longer.  I still have the innate ability and that leads me to the fork I have been stuck at for the last three months of the year.

How to handle transitioning in construction or transitioning my life to suit my significant change, my gender.

I have gone back and forth all year but mostly in the last quarter on this issue.  I allowed for the beginning of the year quite a bit of fear in my heart.  I was afraid of failure, and self ridicule.  So I have finally made the decision to go back to school and get my AA is psychology.  Now wouldn't it be funny if the statement was made, "So, you have waited until now because of fear".  Yes, that statement was made to be within the first five min of a phone call I had with a counselor  at an online college.  My reply was of course not.  I have never failed at anything.   Now I am not sure that that is completely true.  But for the most part it is.  Succeeding on the first attempt has not always been the outcome.  But I still complete my original goal before giving up.  So,  as much as I would love to jump right into a college hear in SF, it is just another drive in the car I don't have time for.  I chose to do this online because I don't want my daughter to be home alone all day and night.  I am a self motivated person, so I assume I can get it together enough to do this on my own.  I hope to have this completed in the next two years.   This coincides with my transition in a lot ways.  I want end all to do trans psychology and therapy at an affordable rate to those in need.  I want to be able to do online therapy sessions for those not in the bay area.  Many people I know live in areas with no gender specific therapists or psychologists even within one hour of their home.  This makes therapy terribly unaffordable and out of reach.  I have always felt that education was very important for my daughter, Especially because fair or not the job market for males and females and scale of pay is still not as comparative as I would like.  So with the self care plan I have imposed on myself, I believe that retraining myself for a field in which I have interest in and enjoy would be the best idea.   Much like playing a musical instrument.  Practice everyday has made me realize that commitment to playing the guitar is life long.  In that realization is what I compare school to.  I love to learn, to feel intelligent and well versed in my field and in general for that matter.  I have not exactly led a scholarly path in my life, but if I can change my gender I suppose that this couldn't be nearly as difficult.  Another reason I say that this recent decision is transition related is, because as a woman I feel the need to care and nurture in a clean and comfortable environment.  Now you might wonder why exactly, would as a person whom was transgender since I can remember, would have got into the construction field in the first place.  Well, truth be told I don't remember having much a choice.  As a troubled teen full of misunderstood feelings and up against a wall no one would help me climb.  I made a choice to succeed and help my family at the same time.  It never occurred to me I had a choice.  I always assumed that what was in front of me was meant to be and there was room for change.  Not until recently at 32 years old, 5 years of therapy, 3 years of anti depressants, two therapists, one psychologist, and 2 gender therapists later was it that I said, I can do whatever I want and there is no reason that I cant retrain myself and stay finically afloat and afford this transition all at once.  Now the plates getting pretty full over here.  But I love a full plate.

Since I recently have had some extra time off I have really been enjoyed making home cooked meals for my daughter and I.  I have never been much of a chef, although I definitely know the difference between frying and baking chicken.  I have found it very therapeutic to start cooking it up in the kitchen.  I quit smoking recently and that was leading me to eat.  I figured that I could save some money and calories if I was to cook the meal myself.   What I like the most about cooking for myself is, I am creating the very energy I am going to use to accomplish ideas that are my own as well.  I just feel that maybe if I cook a meal, ingest it and in turn gain energy from it, that the entire process is a little more pure.  When I studied different facets of holistic energy work, I found that in most cultures food is blessed before being consumed.   Food, also may be prepared of given as a gift or offering as well.  But, either way it's definitely raw energy that travels through us physically and in my opinion spiritually too.  If you have ever had a magic mushroom you definitely understand the extreme side of that statement. lol But truthfully I feel a lot cleaner and more self connected the more I have been preparing my own meals.

 hmmmmm lots going on but never enough time!!!

Love you all and Happy Holidays!!!
BE PEACE AND LOVE
Jezzabella Paige

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!!! Also a little update!

So, it seems that as of late I haven't been able to sit and write.  I suppose thats because from being a little under the weather and going through some rough patches of transition I was a little preoccupied.  I felt very out of my groove so to speak.  I felt as if I had really started down a path that I created in my head although wasn't what I wanted in my heart.

I had know idea when I started this that life would become complicated in the ways that it has.  Not to say I thought this was going to be all peaches and cream but, well lets just say I have had an interesting journey. I find myself as a transperson forcing myself to be accepting of all not just most.  That being said, I forgot that included myself for a minute.  I was relentlessly trying to fit in as a woman.  The truth is I am a woman and I fit in where I fit in.  With my family and friends, in my community in San Francisco.  I can only speak for myself but it is easy to fall into the thought pattern of singling yourself out of a crowd before they do.  Its a defense mechanism and might I say a very good one.  Also something that once in transition I feel I also have to let go of.  I feel inside as an outward person who has been inside for far to long.  Before I started this transition I never had the courage to write publicly about my feeling and certainly not make youtube videos about them.  I am pushing myself to be outward.  I am striving to find my place in this world as a woman and as a person.  Both of which have tendencies of both male and female.  I forget a lot to be proud of myself.  So I want to say thank you for all of my friends who remind me often, your all amazing.  I find myself very thankful today for the true, honest and caring people who I am blessed to have.

Since I have always felt like a girl and woman as I have become older and mature, I wasn't aware that my entire outlook on life and perceptions of the world would change so much!  Its exciting, and fascinating what has happened in the last year.  I was on anti depressants for at least 2 maybe 3 years of my life.  I am proud to day that about 6 months ago I was able to stop taking them because there was a shift.  I was very depressed before but it seems as I let go of the person I had created to guard, protect and persevere throughout some of the hardest times of my life, I also let go of the anger and hurt associated with what I had been through.  I began to love myself as I told the entire world about who I was, why and what I am doing about it.  I am not a hero, but just someone who will not say no to there heart any longer.  I hope maybe that 1 person, my daughter, can see that there is nothing that should ever get in the way of who you are and what you dream.

Anyhoo, thats about all for now time to prepare for tomorrow!!
xoxo
Bella Paige

Monday, October 25, 2010

Some men get Penis Envy, I just have dysphoria.

I talked about this topic briefly on my vlog, although I did not really express to much of what it feels like.  I fell short with words when I was speaking about it.  Although it has become a source of discomfort for me emotionally and mentally recently.  As I integrate myself into woman hood I feel more and more disconnected from anything that is male, especially the junk part.  I never felt this before and have always read other trans people stories about how they cant stand it or cant look at it.  All variations of the same thing.  I dont have that distaste for myself in anyway.  I am getting farther and farther from hating myself in anyway to be honest.  Truth be told though, it is a cumbersome weight to bare daily.  From being very particular about what I wear, to not really looking down or trying to mentally block out that it is there.  But to no avail.  So I suppose that this comes along with the territory.  I feel like the hardest part about this recent development of distaste is that it pushes me to really consider srs.  It is not that I never wanted the "Full" transition.   Its just that, who is not afraid of surgery right.   Well either way its starting to feel like the right idea for the future.  The future being after I go through ffs all my laser hair removal and completely paid off my daughter high school and further more hopefully have something to send her off to college with.

Well anyway, I also feel that I have been really mentally letting go of that male ego, or "JOHN" so to speak.  Not that I did not and do not value the personality I created.  Hell to be honest, I am pretty damn proud of the work that I put into what I call passing as male and feel more self respect for going through what I did than any negative feeling at all.  I can say that I feel like a few people are having a hard time with the departure of it.  And blame them I don't.  The truth is that I created a man's image in my mind of what I would want be if I was a man.  I had fun with it. I even jumped to the negative side of it during my teenage years.  Meaning I became a heartless asshole, who needed not to think of others reality only his.  Well I learned quick that was not something I wanted to portray.  I explored what it meant to be male, to work harder than you thought you could, to push your body beyond the limit and then going beyond that point.  I was an incurable workaholic, with reckless abandon.  I have finally got to see from my own perspective how that person almost took over me and brought me to the brink of death.  In 2006 my suicide  attempt was only validated by the understanding I gained from it, life is to fucking short to pretend to be something your not.  So that is when the journey truly began for me.  I vowed when I failed that day to make the life inside me a reality and not an embarrassment.  I now find myself looking down at my ever changing body, and I am starting to see it transform.  And the more I allow myself to feel beautiful and proud of who I am the more my physical reality follows suit.  Somedays in truth I look in the mirror and still wonder if all of the male I see and feel will ever subside into my heart where I derived it.  Well one thing is for sure, my male tendencies, "chalked up the deuces".  I am super emotional and unrealistic to take the place of it though.  I incessantly fix my hair, and powder my face, lotion my skin, etc etc etc.  I worry more about my daughter's feelings than I ever had.  I have really enjoyed the new side of our relationship a lot.  Parenting has changed a lot in the last two years since she was 12.  She physically needs me less, well with the exception I think she would forget half her life if I did not remind her.  But she has her own life developing.  Her own social circle to worry and think about.  Her own body and mind issues to work out.   And lets not forget about Facebook twitter Skype, tumbler and myspace.  That could consume hours upon hours.  If there is time left she normally ends up reading and on a rare occasion watches television.  Well the bright side is that it has given me the opportunity to focus on changes I have needed to work on for a long time.

I want to particularly thank my friends and family this week that have made an effort  to be there present in my life and help me through this.  I can say that dani, lauren and katie and my dad have all had such impeccable timing in calling me or sending me love.    I know I have been such a bitch in the past I may have pushed you away, deleted you Facebook or not answered your calls.  I am trying to put all that behind me with the anger I carried for so many years.  You all deserve a big hug and a vacation that I wish I could bring you all on.  At least its over right!!!

well thats it for now,
peace love light and honesty
Bella Paige

Thursday, October 21, 2010

my process with facial feminization surgery

Recently I had my consultation appointment at Bay Area Aesthetic Surgery.  Dr Joel B Beck was the surgeon I was scheduled to see.  I arrived about 30 minutes early to fill out paperwork, although I could have chosen the optional online version I chose todo it in there office.  Parking was easy, at there San Mateo location on Bovet Road.  There is an outdoor shopping center across the street in case you arrive early!!  Upon entering there office I immediately became very comfortable with environment.  It had a very uplifting and peaceful vibe.  I approached the front counter and was greeted pleasantly by two women at the front desk.  Both eager to help, they gave me the appropriate forms, thanked me for coming early and said I could have a seat and fill them out.  The Dr will be with you shortly.  I filled out all of the forms that were fairly inquisitive, I always say you can't do a good job unless you have all the information up front.  So no biggeeee!  I did not sit long before I was moved into a private room with Dr. Joel.  I looked around the room, and saw many different plagues on the walls, from hospitals in many places and practicing many different functions of plastic and reconstructive surgery.  I was particularly impressed with the fact he had done emergency reconstructive type surgeries.  If you haven't seen everything in life you can't possibly be a master in your field.  Well upon him entering I was immediately comforted by his calm and gentle nature.  He was so wonderfully careful about everything we talked about.  I think this must be hard for doctor's, to ask you what you want them to fix on your body.  He handled himself very well and asked me what I thought I might want or need.  I explained to him that I was doing FFS and wanted his opinion, but the work concentrated around my eye brows, nose and cheeks.  So He began showing me quite a few pictures of before and after different procedures.  I began to see that even the smallest change makes a big difference and I also began to get a little giddy, as the work I need done was less than I expected.  But, what was super cool is we did a little mini photo shoot, of my face of course.  Then he uploaded the photo's to his computer and opened up his nifty little version of photoshop.  And he literally on screen changed the shape and contour of my face until it was a representation of completed ffs, Its not a photo studio but damn it definitely gave me a good visualization of what I was doing this to achieve.  We then went into a nearby office where Dr. Joel and Jasmine both went over all of the fine print so to speak.  They gave me the cost and were very good about explaining scheduling and payment procedures.  They also set you up, if need be, for over night after care at a nearby San Francisco location.  I believe that might be more for there Trans patients, as I understand people travel some distance to see him.  I honestly feel blessed I only had to travel a half an hour to be in the company of qualified surgeon's and staff.

So that was my experience at the actual office, but here is more of the personal side of processing this upcoming event.  I have always had some concern and self controversy over plastic surgery.  I try relentlessly to convince myself that this is reconstructive surgery but you know if anything is true I live in reality.  Truth be told I am super nervous about the pain.  I have been through my fair share of pain in life, from broken bones, falling 30 feet from a ladder, and reconstructive surgery on my left knee and elbow all the way to self induced pain from tatoo's, piercing, self scarification. That never takes away the thought of pain you are to endure though.  The second issue is more of a spiritual one.   I believe in a lot of ways that we are born to fate so to speak.  I feel very connected with this planet, nature and balance of things.  I believe in karma, I believe that everything is balanced by a counter part.  So what am I to lose and gain from this in all honesty was my question.  I am loosing  my male qualities, which believe me I have a few ex's who actually asked me not to do this.  I am permanently changing what I was given at birth.  There are problems beyond any surgeon's control, every procedure has a risk.  I am spending a small fortune on my face, makes me feel a little selfish, hey I am being honest.  I have to remember not to get caught up in the physical part of this transition as it is complete reorganization of my life not just a physical transformation.  Preparing myself for this, has been difficult.  Convincing myself it was okay to want this and furthermore okay to spend the money on it took a long time to get past.  Then getting the courage to actually call and complete an appointment was another accomplishment as I was very nervous about the entire process.  The money, in this case I mean coming up with it, is going to be hard.  I am less and less capable of making endless amounts of money as I get older and settle in to adulthood and the idea of pacing myself.  So I know this may not be tomorrow, but I am happy it will be sooner than later and that I found an amazing Doctor and staff to help me achieve this dream I have had since I was very young.
If there area any question regarding this process please ask I would be more than happy to answer
xoxo
Bella Paige

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

transition starts to go up hill, where the hell did I put my hiking boots?

Hey everyone, well I thought I would take a second to say what a wonderful amazing life as a transperson is.  Well mostly I wish it was all amazing and wonderful, although this weekend, left a lot to be desired.
''Don't make eye contact with him, giggle giggle, "  and "omg"   or how about infamous tap on the shoulder followed by "oh shit" when I turn around.  Okay the last one is probably the one that hurts the most.  I have to not let peoples ignorance belittle the person I am.  I have been to deep dark places and up to the highest clouds in my lifetime both literally and figuratively.  One thing I have found no matter where I am is... Accepting myself and having others accept me as well, Is the hardest part of this transition.  I know that if I have a hard time with this, than everybody else who is not blessed with the 25 years of research I have done on this topic, will surely be a little more off kilter so to speak.  So I try to ignore the comments from strangers as I know that standing up and belittling them in public is dangerous, and unfruitful in everyday.  I don't want people to think that trans folk are dangerous or aggressive.  I don't want to give the power to the three guys at the counter by showing them it hurt my feelings.  And further I don't want to raise my daughter to handle situation like that.  I must say the rudeness that people unleash on to others has got to end.  I personally have made it a quest in my life to "check my attitude".  Now obviously I have quite a few different things that I work on in life.  See, for me this is all about becoming the person that I am, learning to be accepting and loving of myself.  My existence has never known a limitation when helping family and friends, In fact almost anybody in need.  Of course over the years that has been limited to what our family can afford, as I have a daughter and have to put her ahead of everything, happily I might add.  So any hoo, I have given myself a limited amount of space to express who I was, I surrounded myself with people who were strong willed.  I watched and helped them journey and they would seem to drift away and on with the next one.  Life is  full of change, so don't throw your pennies away.  Well now that I am in my 30's I have been blessed with the information that, I can be gracious to myself as well.  I will be honest I am still unsure about that last sentence due to the fact that, I try my best to implement that into my daily life but do not always succeed.  As I force this upon myself I feel better.  Its a long road to recovery from self hatred.  Just because I realized I was a woman, and realized that I was in a man's body, was never directly linked in my brain to the part where, I feel terrible, I feel like I am trapped, I feel alone, I feel different from everyone, I will just isolate myself.  So now, once the synapses was created in my brain linking the two, I am able to process those feeling for what they are, and be very gentle and work them out one my one.  I have started to come out of my shell much because the shell I was born in feels nothing like where I am now.  I cant say I woke up in a woman's body this morning, but I have seen so much change in the last 11 months it is truly amazing.  Everything from my skin softening and thickening in the atypical female regions, my hair started to grow back from where it had slightly receded to my original hairline, my hair became softer and less dry and stringy.  There is definitely breast growth, I suppose its between na and a.  All of the fat I didn't have before redistributed to my thighs and ass.  My muscles now that my doses of my medication are correct seem to be losing definition a little bit, although I don't help the situation by working my little but off everyday.   A lot of my hair growth on my chest neck and face just stopped.  I am lucky, as for a lot of people thats not the case at all.  Which brings me to..... So glad I did not wait any longer to do this.  I was starting to feel the pressure of my body aging and saying to me if your gonna do this ever do it now, referring to my transition of course.  So I walked in with a form I had in my possession for 3 years saw a doctor and she gave me the prescription. I filled it and started immediately.  I will tell you the changes it has made on my mental status are amazing, I  feel so much better about my body and also with the absence of testosterone which I detest by the way, I was at home.  I never felt better, physically the first few weeks were hard, in fact Sleeping has become very important ever since I started.  I feel exhausted constantly from my body breaking down and rebuilding itself one area at a time.  I feel like a construction site and let me tell you its not easy.  Certain days I wake up and I feel like overnight neuropathy set in in a whole area of muscles, well essentially that is what happened, just amazing how nothing can happen for a month or so and then over night your body just decides, lets do this all tonight.  I don't know medically if that is true, but I am pretty in touch with my body and often have been correct about my diagnosis.  so I say this science is cool but watch out, cause its not always easy.  Well anyway, that brings me back to current.  The other time in between flew by, really work and planning, my daughters graduation, high school applications, 3 lost iphone's by my daughter, and a breakup that was hard to.  I suppose thats all for now its getting late.  Love and peace to everyone.
xoxo
Bella Paige

Thursday, October 14, 2010

an entire week of tears, A Dani, a grand theft auto, and Replacing all my tools

I have to write cause I have to get this out.  The emotional roller coaster that began sunday when a soulmate from a different time contacted me.  I thought the universe was sponsoring this specific fate driven event.  Truth is I always believe in fate, I just always feel like I know why its happening.  Well here goes why I am dead wrong, why I cant stop crying, and why being trans for the first time in a long time took a back seat to something true in my heart.


Dani, oh you would have to meet this woman to understand, we have had a very deep and elongated sort of string of relationships.  The seven years ending only today by my own sword had been filled with love but mostly distance and loneliness.  I bet your all wondering where this is going, why the hell if it was filled with those qualities that I would allow my delicate maturing womanhood go forth and pursue this again.


Love, true love the kind that hurts, hurts deep.  The love that a shift in the earths plates could not pull apart, a love so bountiful in my heart, i felt I could beautify the entire world with its strength.  This very love called out in my mind and body on sun.  Why don't you check your myspace, I mean nothing else to do seen everything on Facebook and returned all my emails.  So after not being on there in two years, my account picture remains the same ol blond haired boy, with an off handed name my daughter at some point changed.  I clicked on mail as I thought well lets see.  So I proceeded to delete the overflowing mail server of spam, I came across a message that read,


"Hey. You probably don't even check this anymore, but I thought id give it a try anyway. I've been putting off tracking you down. I want to apologize to you. I was horrible to you and you probably don't even care anymore, but I've felt guilty for years now. You're a good man. You're a decent man. I treated you badly and I'm sorry for it. That's it. I don't expect to hear from you, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't try to contact me. I just needed to get that off my chest."


Well I was shocked, for two reasons, one she had sent the email the very same day just hours before I checked it.  and two, the last time I spoke with dani, was five years before, when she had been out here with her husband.  The night she took a hold of me looked into my eyes and said, i love you and kissed me three feet from the door her husband was sitting on the other side of.  Now there were conversations that went back and forth after that night, i was attempting to move to facilitate her and her daughter moving here.  I felt that even though the next weeks ahead were traumatic that our love was no match for the challenge.  hmmmm  Only problem was  i got a phone call, went sorta like this but don't quote me cause  I wont lie, I tried to forget this for years, but I have never been right since.  John, We can never talk again, you coerced me into the this and you have almost ruined my marriage lose my number and never call again.  Well I said to myself just after she hung up.  That I would never take relationships again seriously.  Now I have been in relationships that have been or seemed pretty serious afterwards.  In fact I fell in love as deep as I possibly could with a section of my heart gone.  


But anyway this brings me to the fact, I told her when we texted on sun that I would be friends with her.  I mean I did not know what else to say.  I was engulfed in the feeling of her presence all around me the very person who still and always will carry a piece of me with her everywhere.  I believed again and had faith again, that this couldn't happen again.  But truth is I think it was the first or second response from her I felt like my emotional in box started over flowing with thoughts and emotions she and her daughter were sending me.  well we have gone back and forth for two three days,  I had to confront this thing head on,  I know how it felt before and I could already feel the super intense and impossible to ignore love all over again.  So i tried to shut it up, I did.  PFFFFtttt that was not happening or working cause let me tell you, I would not be in tears if any of this worked.  


So i wrote I tried to become more and more blunt until i said screw it I am going to texas.  Despite the crazy week and the insane lead story to this and the stolen van this week, I said screw it It cant hurt to go.  Well when I attempted to tell her I was coming I felt the need to bring up details about love and me and her.  Turns out I was wrong apparently, fate or not its not our fate or one she will allow.  Although I did receive a message saying, " I love you i always have loved you and I always will love you."  Truth is everyone, what am I suppose to do hear.  There is one side of me which without question would stand idly by waiting for her forever.  The very same section of me says that I would not wait forever and it is worth every waking moment, as the moments I spend communicating with her are felt in a different time format feeling like a moment is comparable to a long day.  When it comes to love is fighting wrong, I mean fighting for someone.  Where do you draw the line? Which leads me to the other side of me.  As I progress through this amazing transition I realize that my self esteem, personal care, and self worth have improved significantly.  This also helps me not to want to put myself in a position where I was in love with her everyday, but allowed to show it never. In fact it reminds me of pretransition life.  Where I hid my feeling's everyday, and buried them until they resurfaced with a vengeance.


So wrote a very emotional email, which I don't feel entirely proper sharing, so here is the brief version:


We have always been in love and been soul mates and we both know it.  You never left your first husband, but then divorced him and never found me.  You got remarried, and now you call again.  You tell me you love me but you wont leave him.  And you agree that you should have never left in the first place.  I love you and respect you and will not defile your marriage in any way as I love your daughter and I don't want to hurt her.  I wont come down there and I wont be calling or writing or texting again.  This is the third time that I have felt the devastation from allowing myself to fall deeply into what we have as opposed to looking and then proceeding to safety where my heart does not ache.


Well that was what I sent,  to be honest, I really did not even want to do this.  I did not even want to push her away.  My friendships that I have are amazing but I would have loved to have another supportive friend that I felt comfortable with.  I cringed and almost spilled an individual tear for every word I wrote in that email.  It was like being on an island and pushing away your only boat into the sea.  I feel a little lost tonight, I did not see this outcome, or situation coming at all, blindsided would be lightly putting it.  


World, love is so hard.  Life is so hard.  what do I do.  cause everything seems wrong


So the other highlight of the week is that my ford workman was stolen from the front of our house.  Long story short lost close to 10-15k in tools.  So I am just assuming this van has seen its last day.  I pull up near my apartment which is not where the van was stolen from, and it happens to be no more than 50 yards from my front door.  Thats where they ditched it, with stolen plates, and not much inside but trash and my ladders.  So as you can see I am having a weird karmic week.  I don't know how to proceed with anything, In fact all of this makes me want to remain as stationary as possible.  I am not a person that does well when I could be thriving but just am not .  


I love you all I am to damn tired and honestly to ambivalent at the moment to grammar capit, spell check all this
one love
namaste


Bella Paige

Sunday, October 10, 2010

10-10-10 transexual-transgender-tranny........whatever

Lately I have felt a bit of disconnection from family and friends.  I am not exactly sure why.  I suppose I have also blockaded myself at my apartment quite a bit more recently.  I know that I am finally externally expressing how I feel and letting myself feel all of the emotions of life.  Sometimes testosterone has a way of blocking emotions entirely.  I am not a doctor and should have done some more research on the subject but none the less; I believe that due to men's instincts to protect, provide, and "peacock" (and by that i refer to the ego that comes along with being a man) that there is a lot less need for the portion of the brain that is emotional.  So as the T runs through the brain it would stimulate certain areas associating with the 3 p's.  At the same time the lack of estrogen would leave emotional areas of the brain to lie dormant.   Now I have always been an emotional girl, I have cried myself to sleep many nights over futile things.  I love from the deepest place in heart, and I love and protect my daughter like that of any mother.  I will say this, I had no idea what adding fuel to that fire was going to bring.    Of course that makes it sound like its in a negative light for me, wrong answer.  I have had the happiest moments recently walking down the street, tears running down my face, with the biggest smile on my face borderline giggling.  I hope you can see the picture here, truth is I have always felt the emotion, but never could get passed my testosterone filled ego to enjoy it.  I never realized how happy and alive I would feel during this transition.

Yes, there is a serious dark side to transitioning.  I don't want to belittle that part.  I just try not to focus on it.  I have just managed to get myself out of a three day super pity party starring and only attended by me.  I have been trying to find myself as a woman in this world.  Not everyone is happy that John is leaving.  In fact I think as he is exiting stage left, so are quite a bit of the people that needed or used him for what he was capable of.  I am not trying to separate myself into two people,  I just feel that I am being viewed that way.  I have always been a woman regardless of my physical appearance.  Now that I have done the first selfish thing in my life, (HRT),  and allow myself to become outwardly more of who I am and how I feel, funny thing relationships start changing.  What I have a hard time figuring out is... why would you want "john" so much, I was very angry, confused, withdrawn, and depressed.  I always have come across as much as possible that I am happy in life.  I lived the dream that believing I was okay and happy would make it materialize in my life.  Well it did, I started my transition, and now I am happy.  So that brings me to start questioning those around me, and there intentions.  I believe that people naturally have fear surrounding this happening as well.  That brings to light for me that my social circle may be backing away because of my fear and lack of assurance towards them that everything is okay.  Problem is I have the same fears.  I also have learned compassion for myself, I can not take on everyone else's process with this part of my life.  Truth is, for the first time in my life I expected to be able to lean on someone else's shoulder for a minute, and hear that everything is going to be okay.  I have been that shoulder, the rock, the person who you may call last but you know will make everything ok.  I have been that person my whole life.  I have never cared what toll it took on me, I always looked at the path with a positive goal in mind, not how much it cost me  nor the reward.  Another truth, the road I travel has been rewarded 10 fold what I have put in, I have never had anything happen I could not handle, I have never found myself "short" on anything I truly needed.  So there it is, what is my release, this blog or my vblog.  I speak the truth and honestly with as much respect as possible.  I feel better posting this on the internet.  Hit fear with 200% of everything you got.  I am a very self conscious person. So in turn I air myself and the hardest part of my life here to you.  I was scared, the kind where you start to panic, of the idea of piercing my body.  So I went in and had a very sensitive part of my body done, It was nothing short of the most spiritual experience i have ever had.  I released parts of me that day that I had been holding on to for years.  I was the same (panic stricken with fear) about skydiving.  Honestly I am not even a big fan of flying.  Well you guessed it jumped out of a perfectly good airplane with two German guys and one of my best friends.  A story that I personally could never due the justice of retelling.   I am afraid of failing, so I don't.  I will not give up, I will not quit, and further more i will never fail.  Because we are all in control of our own destiny.  The idea that I could conquer three of my biggest fears in life leads me to tell myself everything is going to be ok.  I know in my heart I am strong enough to do this alone.  I am also wise enough to ask my friends and family for help, because a road traveled with loved ones, can be a much brighter place when your facing your darkest moments.  I see my therapist, she listens to endless rants and stories that bother me, instead of pointing out the negative portion of every story which is what I often get caught up in.  She points out the ways I positively handled it.  The boundary between right and wrong has never been an issue for me.  I know if I am doing something wrong and am connected enough with my soul to see it before I make the mistake.  Not that I always listen, but I know.  So when I speak with her, I am honest, I tell her where I made the mistakes and she tells me where I didn't.  This style works for me, but is definitely a tool that everyone that is transitioning should carry in there "kit to a healthy transition".  If it was not for the darkness in life I would have never grown strong enough to handle this.

The following are truths about how I feel, some I have told others never spoken before.

I feel like a crazy half breed tranny that is going to end up in the gutter somewhere after an unsuccessful transition and being unable to support herself.  I am scared to lose my daughter in all of this and the relationship we have.  I fear that my gender status will affect her social life to the point of her distancing herself from me.  I fear losing all my girlfriends because I am not the guy that was always there doing those gentleman like things, and losing all my guy friends because they like the "bro code" kind of friendships which I have incidentally lost my membership card to.  I fear never finding love again as it may seem to complicated to deal with someone with so much baggage @ face value.  I fear losing the arena to care for and mother those special people in my life due to being dismissed.  Last one, plain and simple, I fear that the pain will never go away from the 32 years I lived as a man in this world, I punished myself again and again for being a woman in hope that I would stop feeling that way.  I have burned and cut my body with abandon because I was angry at what I saw.  It hurt so bad to be me that that at one point I chose a to try to end my life.  A past time has been plucking the male course hair from my face and chest one by one, not to get rid of it but to try to suppress the  pain and hide the shear hatred I had for who I was.  If you were a SF resident at one time or another you might have seen me... In my car or van, screaming at the top of my lungs, pounding relentlessly on the steering wheel, and asking the universe why, why cant I be a guy or girl, why do I have to be a girl that looks like this, why the pain. why the hardship.  what did I do, I will do anything to fix it, just tell me.

Well wrote the last paragraph first but it seemed to be better at the bottom.  my eyes have filled with tears and I can no longer see the screen.  I seriously love you all whether we have met or not.  My heart knows love.  and of the pain it only knows not to inflict it on others.  thanks for reading
with love light and peace
Bella Paige





So the title... Yeah if your going to label me in the first place my attitude will probably be somewhat dismissive.  Not that I don't believe in compassion even for the most ignorant of people.  But the truth is that on a daily basis I am not by any means a saint or perfect.  I have my moments of slipping up when people stare or misinterpret my gender.  I try to keep it a look of confusion, but on occasion I have been known to get defensive of me and my sisters and lash out with distain.  I guess what I am trying to get across here is that a smile, and internally dismissing the comments or stares, and externally not showing that they got to you if they did goes a lot further towards correcting the problem.....People need to be taught about my sub culture.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A quick birthday rant before bed!!!!

I had an absolute wonderful birthday!!!  I spent the evening with family and friends at my casa.  We had the best crab melts in SF and a little wine and a lot of laughs most importantly.  Over all I am not to upset about graduating another year of life so to speak.  I mean everyone complains about getting older, so in the true spirit of being me... I think I will write about why I am happy to be 32,

First of all, I am 32 and a parent of a 14 year old.  That makes it about 3 years and I finally get the summer break I have been missing since Grade School.  I mean as a single trans parent, I cant find the time to vacation.  Some days I am not able to find the time to even see what time it is.  So I think the best reason for getting older is the ease of completing tasks because of skill and knowledge.  Perhaps tied or at least close second would be, knowing where my limits are.  My own self awareness is starting to resemble a finely tuned cello.  There are certain notes a cello plays that affect me so strongly that I could be put to tears or a soul vibrating smile.  This is much like my intuition.  I can feel the choice of right and wrong like notes in my head.  One side painful and ear screeching, in fact I don't know how I was able to get past that sound and make bad choices throughout my teenage and early twenty's when I was insistent upon throwing caution to the wind.  The other side not always glorious by nature, but warm, a blend of summer breeze, with a hint of orange light and the feel of a loved ones embrace.  The kind of feeling you get when you help someone out and are pretty surprised at your own actions but feel good you made that choice instinctively as opposed to with hours of gut wrenching debate where doing the "right" thing was a product of self induced guilt.

Last but not least, why I love getting older......

I can afford my own life, I love being able to be responsible for my own actions without fail.  I like being reliable.  My friends know a lot about me but one that I bet they can all agree on is that I am a reliable person.  And further more what that has afforded me today is a Imac.  In all its beauty on my desk as I type this.  Not a big person for being caught up on possessions per say.  But i think if your going to put your energy into obtaining a physical item, it better be amazing.

So, I must move on and say a couple things before I go regarding my transition what part that played in my day today.

That is just the wonderfulness of this transition for me. I waited so long to do it and I am so comfortable with the idea, that I feel like I have been sailing through the days.  My body continues to feel like its thriving with all of the hormone changes.  I have definitely had to learn more creative ways to get to some of my daily goals.  And most importantly the patience I have been affording myself is something I have never had the pleasure of witnessing in myself.  I have all the patience in the world for others.  Then it comes to me and I have always expected in the past that it be better and faster and cheaper and ..... you get the general point.  I feel freed from that, I have started to enjoy the moment to moment of everyday instead of the physically attainable qualities that I could derive from it.  Spending the first 31 years of my life filled with testosterone and then changing it up really is mind boggling.   I find myself in so many fits of laughter.  I am witnessing my entire physic and physical brain, not to be confused with the pesky mind, make a overwhelmingly positive shift to womanhood.  As it slowly changes my instinctual habits are changing as well.  I notice my cleanliness more than anything.  It has gone from moderately clean to borderline a problem.  Not really, I spend more time at home now and more time making realistic plans and taking appropriate attainable action.  I am also so emotional which is wonderful, because I have always had the emotions but never the physical way for my body to express them.  The testosterone wouldn't allow it.  You can equate testosterone to a 350 pound center that will make you do what ever he wants and you have no choice but to submit and you know it.  The relief I feel just from the absence is worth all the time it took me to get here.  I huge pain has been lifted in my life by coming out, taking hormones, and being honest with everyone. the last being the most important of all, for i believe the deceit looming above my spirit for so many years made the light very hard to see.

I have been babbling to long and I am getting sleepy.
love you each and everyone for that special thing in you
xoxo
bella paige

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Beautiful feels more like ....

I suppose the reason I started this blogging bit was to express myself throughout this transition. I wanted to keep this really uplifting as so many trans stories and journeys seem to come with a very dark side. The truth life has it's darker moments too. Here is a bit about my thoughts and day today!

I have spent a lot of time recently engulfing myself in digital transgender media. I have found stories that resemble mine, and to be honest its comforting. Because I know I am not alone, no matter how empty and dark I feel today. Sorry for any typo,I can barely see the screen through my tears. I am afraid, I alway thought of this as a personal piece of information. I knew I who I was early on. I knew what I wanted by age 16. To transition, I had a lot on my plate ar that point and made choices that made ms a parent. At 17, I was a stupid immature girl filled with testosterone and rage from the suppression of my true identity. I feel like I took every action I knew that there was to "fix myself" and it was clearly to no avail. Then I started coming out to people one by one. I can honestly say that no matter how many people I have told and how many have given me love and respect, I hate telling people that met me as John. It seems almost impossible, I mean really I dot blame them, and that's why the tears. I don't exactly know how I got myself here. I am a single, well dad, because that's what my daughter is committed to calling me which I respect. I own and operate two electrical companies, I have been known in the past to be a mans man. I know right! Well take all the fairys in my room down, and the clips out of my hair, what's left is a person that has lived for 31 years as a man and occasionally as a transwoman. I am a woman, I had my stylist ask me recently what I do and I told her. She proceeded
to have this look of disgust and said "oh my god I would hate being dirty all day.". I just sat for the rest of my appointment with disappointment. I feel trapped in a world I created. I am trying everyday to find new ways and options to make my life more suitable to how I feel. The question is, is it working. I have a hard time with that one. The hormones softened my body, and I certainly feel at peace with my gender, meaning I am no longer fighting being a woman. But my life does
not match how I feel. A dark and deep array of emotions come up when entertaining the idea of new work and new friends. Not that i don't love my friends and family. Because girl, you know that my heart belongs to my loved ones. Although I insecently get the notion that where I am and where they are can be split by the grand canyon. I do feel super compelled to remind myself that I can be super self conscience and that it is best to take a deep breath and silence the over active mind. Point blank peeps.... I am in fear of losing everything to a transition I will not refuse myself again. Runaway trains are pretty likely to crash and burn. Today I guess that's how it feels. I have set something in motion that I won't stop. Even thought ego, filled with thoughts like, but you make good money, you have always been a good looking guy, and what is this going to so to Kristen?

True statement
" I love my life and those who are in it!
I am a woman
I will stand up and fight for what I believe in whether it easy or difficult
Fear remains in the heart of me even during my proudest and happiest moments
Idealism plagues every thought and action and is hard to escape.
Last one
The love in my heart grows identically parallel to the agony of loss and the matriculation of self doubt. The scales are balanced, not so surprising if you know me.
Waves of love to all of you I endearly think of everyone often and wonder how life transition varies when the journey is not through your own gender. Mid life crisis is another transition and many people I know go through it. Being trans and going through this does not separate me from the world but brings me closer and with good life lessons and humorous stories at my side.

It took me two days and many tears to write this. Leave any commets or questions and thanks for reading my bloody confession of insecurity.
With love and pain
Yours truly
Xoxo
Bella

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Hair removal, hormones and health

First let me start by saying, I love sept' in SF.
I went to therapy today as I do voluntarily every other week. I say that because if your doing it to fulfill some kind of prerequisite or to save a relationship it may end up fruitless. Mental health is important and having someone that will listen to you being honest with yourself is so important. 1. It helps you here yourself speak it out loud, an admission of sorts. 2. There is a realistic open minded person who is bound by his or her oath to help you! 3. Your not alone processing all of you emotions, being alone when your opening up about your deepest and darkest is difficult even for the strongest of strong.

Hormones
What I have needed since I can remember! I feel amazing every single day. I cant help find myself crying and smiling about everything, never in my life have I enjoyed everything so much. Crying feels normal I love my tears as much as I do the outbursts of silly laughter about simple thoughts or minuscule actions. I suppose this is not what most people talk about when referring to H.R.T. I will get to the physical changes in a minute. What is most important to me is how my entire being is transforming from: this near black and red in color lifeless cowering fearful blend of boy and man, to an honest, courageous, caring, loving >respectfully adamant girl and woman. I know that the hormones are only changing my body but remember, your brain is part of your body, your spiritual energy is stored in your body like fuel. Being transgender for me prior to hormones in linier with putting priestly or monk like person and putting them in a boxing ring in Vegas with gloves and good luck. My energy aligning itself on the kinder and loving side of life, I found it absolutely impossible to keep up the testosterone driven egotistical life I was dropped into by being born with one appendage as opposed to another. It actually felt like life was a game of dodge ball in which I was the last person in the middle with attackers on every side. Painful and terrifying, yup. Thats why this is so beautiful and amazing. I have been to places emotionally and mentally that I cant do justice to even by every synonym to negative that google can come up with. I hope to less and less relate back to my past in these posts. Although I find it so relevant to write and read both sides. There has been so much to learn from and I hope that people can relate to my situation and find solace that at least one person has and always will walk the road of life may it be through " heaven or hell " with an open mind, loving heart, and conscious soul.
Okay now for the physical end of the hormone developement, very much what I expected, a slow transition to softer skin an over all distribution of fat. Which is honestly like a blanket over your muscles tendons veins and bones. My hair, along with an amazing stylist, has gotten thicker. I can see the difference in the thickness of the individual hair. Also I have taken such better care of myself in the way of diet, cleanliness, and also supplementing with vitamins as my entire body is recreating itself. My chest has grown and is absolutely painful. So if you see me massaging my chest, get out of the gutter cause I am trying to loosen the skin and breast tissue that ever so compressed. I cut myself more, although thicker my skin absolutely is more delicate it even sun burns easier. I guess this is where I will say that women are thicker skinned but delicate as hell. This is also where every man should take note, its in womens chemistry to be the we are. And laslty this is also where I apologize for comments I have personally made to women over the years about sucking it up. Honestly I have a new found respect trust me when I say this being a woman and I say this without the having that time of the month, women suck it up everyday. In just about 10 months I have physically lost the ability to "muscle" things. My approach has had to become thoughtful and deliberate to get to the same conclusion I have had the strength to achieve in the past. Humbling in so many ways, but that comes with the territory I suppose, I can feel my ego coming down like the Berlin wall. Both sides coming together and the material in between cherished only as history an something that was over come.
I have got to get to dinner my daughter has got to be starving by now.
So for now I love you all!!!!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Yay a new haircut, and trouble with names...

Okay, so I hope to post more often now that I feel a little more settled.
Between the hormonal ups and downs and my amazing daughter starting high school, well I did not even sleep much.

Funny story, I studdered twice today when asked a simple question " can I have your name? John jezzabella Bella I answered with a laugh. Humor is how I choose to handle most situations that are uncomfortable. I quickly proceeded in a nervous fashion to babble some non sence and move on. I left with americano in hand in hopes for a phenomenal cut and style. I assure you that is just what I received too! Spunk in S.F. Is filled with amazing hair artist as well as decorated by interest peaking art pieces. I sat down and almost fell asleep as she washed my hair. I was pondering the entire time what am I suppose to say my name is. I mean I know it's a simple question. But this androge phase leaves people with that understandable, hmm, so guy girl or both. So to end the confusion I often try to throw in a comment about how I am 10 months into my transition. I dint feel anybody "deserves" an explanation about my gender identity. On the same hand, I believe the general public even in liberal san Fran, can be unfamiliar and somewhat lost when it comes to transgender people and or the counterparts no pun. That leads me to believe that If I was to show a little respect and consideration for there often new found look into gender then I might just teach that we are amazing people too and often very balanced because of our nature. This is how I try to parent and conduct my friendships. The more I learn compassion for myself and others short comings, the lighter and happier and less lonely I feel in this crazy world.
Well I will stop with the babbling. I am happy to say that the beautiful transition is leading me daily to laugher joy and tears of every imaginable sort. I have found stepping back so to speak and viewing yourself and current situations is important. That being said, I have never in 30 years of my life felt this amount of contentment with the progression of my life. I am not even sure where this transition will lead in the end. I do that it's amazing and wonderful. I feel alive with hope, Hope inspired by a glance in the mirror, or having my ever so aoft hair brush up against my shoulder. These just two small occurrences that happen throughout the day. These seem insignificant to most people. For me they help me to realize that fostering the woman I have hidden my entire life is and has to remain part of my life forever. I thought along with everyone else that with taking hormones one of two things would happen. Either I would realize it was a phase of life or a fetish for that matter. Or. I would feel normal inside and be able to move on from the hiding place I quve stood in for what seems like eternity. Well ladies and gents I am still here and will continue to be here for quite a while. With all the the love in my heart to everyone. Peace love respect and lught

Sunday, August 15, 2010

First and Foremost, Welcome !!!!!

Good Morning, 

So this is my very first Blog ever!!  I feel that the title in this case, said it all.  I want you to know this is an ongoing story of something beautiful, magical, and simply amazing.

I feel living in a male born physical body could on mean one thing.  Up until this point I was meant to look, sound, and resemble a physical man.  Oh and a good job I did.  I was blessed in life with many gifts.  A beautiful body, strong, about 5'11" and 155-165 pounds.  A body made of pure testosterone.  Agile, by this I mean physical speed.  As a freshman, so to speak, I was asked time and time again by the school track coach, would i consider giving up on football and go out for track.  This has led me to many financial and parental opportunities that would have been difficult for me to capitalize on had I been born female bodied.  

That being said I want to pay tribute to the 31 years i spent in this testosterone filled temple,
by saying, I love you, I love you for all you have allowed me to do in this world,  I love you because you are a expression of me.  Thank you for being there and thank you for allowing me to learn many wisdom's found in the male culture.  Thank you for carrying me to the start of a new era in my life.

The true start to this transition started before I can even remember.  I just remember at age 4 looking through my mothers things and absolutely adoring them.  I like to share this moment only so I can explain a little detail.   I felt completely at home then and have everyday since then with being a woman.  I feel there may be a huge misconception in my social circle, and hopefully in others as well.  I am not unhappy.  The more I allow myself to nurture that little girl who was never allowed to exist externally.  The more my light shines, the more my heart loves, and the more I heal those around me.  


Good Night For Now!!!!
peace love and light