I had an absolute wonderful birthday!!! I spent the evening with family and friends at my casa. We had the best crab melts in SF and a little wine and a lot of laughs most importantly. Over all I am not to upset about graduating another year of life so to speak. I mean everyone complains about getting older, so in the true spirit of being me... I think I will write about why I am happy to be 32,
First of all, I am 32 and a parent of a 14 year old. That makes it about 3 years and I finally get the summer break I have been missing since Grade School. I mean as a single trans parent, I cant find the time to vacation. Some days I am not able to find the time to even see what time it is. So I think the best reason for getting older is the ease of completing tasks because of skill and knowledge. Perhaps tied or at least close second would be, knowing where my limits are. My own self awareness is starting to resemble a finely tuned cello. There are certain notes a cello plays that affect me so strongly that I could be put to tears or a soul vibrating smile. This is much like my intuition. I can feel the choice of right and wrong like notes in my head. One side painful and ear screeching, in fact I don't know how I was able to get past that sound and make bad choices throughout my teenage and early twenty's when I was insistent upon throwing caution to the wind. The other side not always glorious by nature, but warm, a blend of summer breeze, with a hint of orange light and the feel of a loved ones embrace. The kind of feeling you get when you help someone out and are pretty surprised at your own actions but feel good you made that choice instinctively as opposed to with hours of gut wrenching debate where doing the "right" thing was a product of self induced guilt.
Last but not least, why I love getting older......
I can afford my own life, I love being able to be responsible for my own actions without fail. I like being reliable. My friends know a lot about me but one that I bet they can all agree on is that I am a reliable person. And further more what that has afforded me today is a Imac. In all its beauty on my desk as I type this. Not a big person for being caught up on possessions per say. But i think if your going to put your energy into obtaining a physical item, it better be amazing.
So, I must move on and say a couple things before I go regarding my transition what part that played in my day today.
That is just the wonderfulness of this transition for me. I waited so long to do it and I am so comfortable with the idea, that I feel like I have been sailing through the days. My body continues to feel like its thriving with all of the hormone changes. I have definitely had to learn more creative ways to get to some of my daily goals. And most importantly the patience I have been affording myself is something I have never had the pleasure of witnessing in myself. I have all the patience in the world for others. Then it comes to me and I have always expected in the past that it be better and faster and cheaper and ..... you get the general point. I feel freed from that, I have started to enjoy the moment to moment of everyday instead of the physically attainable qualities that I could derive from it. Spending the first 31 years of my life filled with testosterone and then changing it up really is mind boggling. I find myself in so many fits of laughter. I am witnessing my entire physic and physical brain, not to be confused with the pesky mind, make a overwhelmingly positive shift to womanhood. As it slowly changes my instinctual habits are changing as well. I notice my cleanliness more than anything. It has gone from moderately clean to borderline a problem. Not really, I spend more time at home now and more time making realistic plans and taking appropriate attainable action. I am also so emotional which is wonderful, because I have always had the emotions but never the physical way for my body to express them. The testosterone wouldn't allow it. You can equate testosterone to a 350 pound center that will make you do what ever he wants and you have no choice but to submit and you know it. The relief I feel just from the absence is worth all the time it took me to get here. I huge pain has been lifted in my life by coming out, taking hormones, and being honest with everyone. the last being the most important of all, for i believe the deceit looming above my spirit for so many years made the light very hard to see.
I have been babbling to long and I am getting sleepy.
love you each and everyone for that special thing in you
xoxo
bella paige
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