Okay, so I hope to post more often now that I feel a little more settled.
Between the hormonal ups and downs and my amazing daughter starting high school, well I did not even sleep much.
Funny story, I studdered twice today when asked a simple question " can I have your name? John jezzabella Bella I answered with a laugh. Humor is how I choose to handle most situations that are uncomfortable. I quickly proceeded in a nervous fashion to babble some non sence and move on. I left with americano in hand in hopes for a phenomenal cut and style. I assure you that is just what I received too! Spunk in S.F. Is filled with amazing hair artist as well as decorated by interest peaking art pieces. I sat down and almost fell asleep as she washed my hair. I was pondering the entire time what am I suppose to say my name is. I mean I know it's a simple question. But this androge phase leaves people with that understandable, hmm, so guy girl or both. So to end the confusion I often try to throw in a comment about how I am 10 months into my transition. I dint feel anybody "deserves" an explanation about my gender identity. On the same hand, I believe the general public even in liberal san Fran, can be unfamiliar and somewhat lost when it comes to transgender people and or the counterparts no pun. That leads me to believe that If I was to show a little respect and consideration for there often new found look into gender then I might just teach that we are amazing people too and often very balanced because of our nature. This is how I try to parent and conduct my friendships. The more I learn compassion for myself and others short comings, the lighter and happier and less lonely I feel in this crazy world.
Well I will stop with the babbling. I am happy to say that the beautiful transition is leading me daily to laugher joy and tears of every imaginable sort. I have found stepping back so to speak and viewing yourself and current situations is important. That being said, I have never in 30 years of my life felt this amount of contentment with the progression of my life. I am not even sure where this transition will lead in the end. I do that it's amazing and wonderful. I feel alive with hope, Hope inspired by a glance in the mirror, or having my ever so aoft hair brush up against my shoulder. These just two small occurrences that happen throughout the day. These seem insignificant to most people. For me they help me to realize that fostering the woman I have hidden my entire life is and has to remain part of my life forever. I thought along with everyone else that with taking hormones one of two things would happen. Either I would realize it was a phase of life or a fetish for that matter. Or. I would feel normal inside and be able to move on from the hiding place I quve stood in for what seems like eternity. Well ladies and gents I am still here and will continue to be here for quite a while. With all the the love in my heart to everyone. Peace love respect and lught
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