Sunday, April 3, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
March Madness in its finest in full effect
I dont suppose many people are reading this but I will go on none the less. I have been up and down over the past few months and was not being honest with myself. I also did not listen to my support group, friends and family so to speak.
Okay that was jumping in kinda deep I know. So lets just start back in december when the girl whom I was in love with moved back into my house. I KNOW you all told me so. Well I let her come back to stay on account of the fact that the house that she was living in was robbed. I don't quite understand really where she "felt safer here". Seeing that I had my van stolen recently. Here is where its starts getting a little weird. So she is here and sometimes on the couch and sometimes in my bed. Yes I am still in love with her no matter what I am trying to put off to the people around me. Love is like a sickness that you just can't kick and one day you could actually die from. The truth is I thought that I was completely done but as I saw her independent strong willed nature working hard to only struggle by, and I let the flood gates go. I saw a stronger woman, a woman who I thought had matured past the events of 1 year ago bringing someone home in a cab. So later that month, wait for it, yes my van was stolen again, and all my tools gone for the second time. Did I mention it was on the 23rd of december. I can't say I even cared that much, I knew we were insured this time as we were not the first. So I figure if I found it in my neighborhood this time I might as well go looking again. 10 min or less I find it parked about 12 blocks from my apartment. Broken passenger window, and the tires were even curbed. Well I went through the entire routine with the officers and then drove the van myself, with a screwdriver in the ignition, and a broken window on a seriously cold day here. Well moving on I lost a lot more money with the van being out for another 2 weeks being repaired and inspected. Btw don't ever go looking for your own vehicle when its stolen. Its just doesn't look good to the insurance companies. They did this whole investigation on our case and its three months later and we still have not received payment. Honestly it gets better. Feb 3 now, I was admitted to a crisis center voluntarily for panic attack syndrome. I had three days before that, or excruciating fear and panic. I honestly felt as if it would be safer to commit suicide than live another moment. Just before I was given ativan to calm down I was rocking back and forth and crying. Well I stayed at this wonderful ADU whom taught me a little about coping and adjusted some of my meeds. I actually came out a week early on account of the fact I was seriously scared of not working and losing my house and leaving my dad hanging out to dry. Four days later.... My dad called and asked if I was okay, and I started panicky crying all over again. Six hours later I was readmitted to the same ADU. I spent this time really trying to sort out my medication with my doctors and getting referrals for help for my daughter and I. I say this with complete understanding, because my parents believed this time I had lost it and wasn't ever coming back, they closed the company. Once I had been at the ADU 3-4 days, I had to go home and pick up some cloths. So I leave early as to try to make it back for one of the group meeting and wouldn't ya know it. god damn I was right, I had a feeling about this but I can't believe I am staring at some guy and the girl sleeping in my bed fucking naked. I think that was a quote but I am not sure if it was word for word. Obviously this was not the time to take advantage of the girl who was in the hospital. There is a very large whole where my heart used to be. Its like it is a cave and a bear has crawled inside, and is striking the cave walls with uninhabited rage. Yes I made it out of that situation without barely even raising my voice. Yup, you guessed it, the ativan did its job. So I am out now healing from the past 4 months and taking things slow with everything transition included. thats all folks love ya peace
Okay that was jumping in kinda deep I know. So lets just start back in december when the girl whom I was in love with moved back into my house. I KNOW you all told me so. Well I let her come back to stay on account of the fact that the house that she was living in was robbed. I don't quite understand really where she "felt safer here". Seeing that I had my van stolen recently. Here is where its starts getting a little weird. So she is here and sometimes on the couch and sometimes in my bed. Yes I am still in love with her no matter what I am trying to put off to the people around me. Love is like a sickness that you just can't kick and one day you could actually die from. The truth is I thought that I was completely done but as I saw her independent strong willed nature working hard to only struggle by, and I let the flood gates go. I saw a stronger woman, a woman who I thought had matured past the events of 1 year ago bringing someone home in a cab. So later that month, wait for it, yes my van was stolen again, and all my tools gone for the second time. Did I mention it was on the 23rd of december. I can't say I even cared that much, I knew we were insured this time as we were not the first. So I figure if I found it in my neighborhood this time I might as well go looking again. 10 min or less I find it parked about 12 blocks from my apartment. Broken passenger window, and the tires were even curbed. Well I went through the entire routine with the officers and then drove the van myself, with a screwdriver in the ignition, and a broken window on a seriously cold day here. Well moving on I lost a lot more money with the van being out for another 2 weeks being repaired and inspected. Btw don't ever go looking for your own vehicle when its stolen. Its just doesn't look good to the insurance companies. They did this whole investigation on our case and its three months later and we still have not received payment. Honestly it gets better. Feb 3 now, I was admitted to a crisis center voluntarily for panic attack syndrome. I had three days before that, or excruciating fear and panic. I honestly felt as if it would be safer to commit suicide than live another moment. Just before I was given ativan to calm down I was rocking back and forth and crying. Well I stayed at this wonderful ADU whom taught me a little about coping and adjusted some of my meeds. I actually came out a week early on account of the fact I was seriously scared of not working and losing my house and leaving my dad hanging out to dry. Four days later.... My dad called and asked if I was okay, and I started panicky crying all over again. Six hours later I was readmitted to the same ADU. I spent this time really trying to sort out my medication with my doctors and getting referrals for help for my daughter and I. I say this with complete understanding, because my parents believed this time I had lost it and wasn't ever coming back, they closed the company. Once I had been at the ADU 3-4 days, I had to go home and pick up some cloths. So I leave early as to try to make it back for one of the group meeting and wouldn't ya know it. god damn I was right, I had a feeling about this but I can't believe I am staring at some guy and the girl sleeping in my bed fucking naked. I think that was a quote but I am not sure if it was word for word. Obviously this was not the time to take advantage of the girl who was in the hospital. There is a very large whole where my heart used to be. Its like it is a cave and a bear has crawled inside, and is striking the cave walls with uninhabited rage. Yes I made it out of that situation without barely even raising my voice. Yup, you guessed it, the ativan did its job. So I am out now healing from the past 4 months and taking things slow with everything transition included. thats all folks love ya peace
Sunday, January 9, 2011
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