I suppose the reason I started this blogging bit was to express myself throughout this transition. I wanted to keep this really uplifting as so many trans stories and journeys seem to come with a very dark side. The truth life has it's darker moments too. Here is a bit about my thoughts and day today!
I have spent a lot of time recently engulfing myself in digital transgender media. I have found stories that resemble mine, and to be honest its comforting. Because I know I am not alone, no matter how empty and dark I feel today. Sorry for any typo,I can barely see the screen through my tears. I am afraid, I alway thought of this as a personal piece of information. I knew I who I was early on. I knew what I wanted by age 16. To transition, I had a lot on my plate ar that point and made choices that made ms a parent. At 17, I was a stupid immature girl filled with testosterone and rage from the suppression of my true identity. I feel like I took every action I knew that there was to "fix myself" and it was clearly to no avail. Then I started coming out to people one by one. I can honestly say that no matter how many people I have told and how many have given me love and respect, I hate telling people that met me as John. It seems almost impossible, I mean really I dot blame them, and that's why the tears. I don't exactly know how I got myself here. I am a single, well dad, because that's what my daughter is committed to calling me which I respect. I own and operate two electrical companies, I have been known in the past to be a mans man. I know right! Well take all the fairys in my room down, and the clips out of my hair, what's left is a person that has lived for 31 years as a man and occasionally as a transwoman. I am a woman, I had my stylist ask me recently what I do and I told her. She proceeded to have this look of disgust and said "oh my god I would hate being dirty all day.". I just sat for the rest of my appointment with disappointment. I feel trapped in a world I created. I am trying everyday to find new ways and options to make my life more suitable to how I feel. The question is, is it working. I have a hard time with that one. The hormones softened my body, and I certainly feel at peace with my gender, meaning I am no longer fighting being a woman. But my life does
not match how I feel. A dark and deep array of emotions come up when entertaining the idea of new work and new friends. Not that i don't love my friends and family. Because girl, you know that my heart belongs to my loved ones. Although I insecently get the notion that where I am and where they are can be split by the grand canyon. I do feel super compelled to remind myself that I can be super self conscience and that it is best to take a deep breath and silence the over active mind. Point blank peeps.... I am in fear of losing everything to a transition I will not refuse myself again. Runaway trains are pretty likely to crash and burn. Today I guess that's how it feels. I have set something in motion that I won't stop. Even thought ego, filled with thoughts like, but you make good money, you have always been a good looking guy, and what is this going to so to Kristen?
True statement
" I love my life and those who are in it!
I am a woman
I will stand up and fight for what I believe in whether it easy or difficult
Fear remains in the heart of me even during my proudest and happiest moments
Idealism plagues every thought and action and is hard to escape.
Last one
The love in my heart grows identically parallel to the agony of loss and the matriculation of self doubt. The scales are balanced, not so surprising if you know me.
Waves of love to all of you I endearly think of everyone often and wonder how life transition varies when the journey is not through your own gender. Mid life crisis is another transition and many people I know go through it. Being trans and going through this does not separate me from the world but brings me closer and with good life lessons and humorous stories at my side.
It took me two days and many tears to write this. Leave any commets or questions and thanks for reading my bloody confession of insecurity.
With love and pain
Yours truly
Xoxo
Bella
As a Father, it is most difficult and yes can be embarrassing for me; such as when Pam and Lee were told. My friends, hadn't thought of that possibility, yet you were a friend of their son; so really, my feelings aren't important and are secondary. I have always supported you, and as you know; I supported you when you came out. I support you now. I guess as a Father, I have always failed to see the whole picture sometimes. It has always been a fault of mine. I knew someday as we had talked, that you may indeed come out in our business together. This leaves me wondering why it bothered me so much with Lee and Pam. Perhaps, it's because I didn't have my priorities correct, family first, then friends. Hard for me to admit this to you! A Father still learning, growing and attempting to change. Love Pops.
ReplyDeleteMy dearest poppa bear!
ReplyDeleteI love you and hope that this transition of mine can help you see that love of ones self and live for others should have no priority or limit set upon itself. There is no reason for embarrassment as you are an accepting father of my transness and an open minded individual with a lot of heart.