First let me start by saying, I love sept' in SF.
I went to therapy today as I do voluntarily every other week. I say that because if your doing it to fulfill some kind of prerequisite or to save a relationship it may end up fruitless. Mental health is important and having someone that will listen to you being honest with yourself is so important. 1. It helps you here yourself speak it out loud, an admission of sorts. 2. There is a realistic open minded person who is bound by his or her oath to help you! 3. Your not alone processing all of you emotions, being alone when your opening up about your deepest and darkest is difficult even for the strongest of strong.
Hormones
What I have needed since I can remember! I feel amazing every single day. I cant help find myself crying and smiling about everything, never in my life have I enjoyed everything so much. Crying feels normal I love my tears as much as I do the outbursts of silly laughter about simple thoughts or minuscule actions. I suppose this is not what most people talk about when referring to H.R.T. I will get to the physical changes in a minute. What is most important to me is how my entire being is transforming from: this near black and red in color lifeless cowering fearful blend of boy and man, to an honest, courageous, caring, loving >respectfully adamant girl and woman. I know that the hormones are only changing my body but remember, your brain is part of your body, your spiritual energy is stored in your body like fuel. Being transgender for me prior to hormones in linier with putting priestly or monk like person and putting them in a boxing ring in Vegas with gloves and good luck. My energy aligning itself on the kinder and loving side of life, I found it absolutely impossible to keep up the testosterone driven egotistical life I was dropped into by being born with one appendage as opposed to another. It actually felt like life was a game of dodge ball in which I was the last person in the middle with attackers on every side. Painful and terrifying, yup. Thats why this is so beautiful and amazing. I have been to places emotionally and mentally that I cant do justice to even by every synonym to negative that google can come up with. I hope to less and less relate back to my past in these posts. Although I find it so relevant to write and read both sides. There has been so much to learn from and I hope that people can relate to my situation and find solace that at least one person has and always will walk the road of life may it be through " heaven or hell " with an open mind, loving heart, and conscious soul.
Okay now for the physical end of the hormone developement, very much what I expected, a slow transition to softer skin an over all distribution of fat. Which is honestly like a blanket over your muscles tendons veins and bones. My hair, along with an amazing stylist, has gotten thicker. I can see the difference in the thickness of the individual hair. Also I have taken such better care of myself in the way of diet, cleanliness, and also supplementing with vitamins as my entire body is recreating itself. My chest has grown and is absolutely painful. So if you see me massaging my chest, get out of the gutter cause I am trying to loosen the skin and breast tissue that ever so compressed. I cut myself more, although thicker my skin absolutely is more delicate it even sun burns easier. I guess this is where I will say that women are thicker skinned but delicate as hell. This is also where every man should take note, its in womens chemistry to be the we are. And laslty this is also where I apologize for comments I have personally made to women over the years about sucking it up. Honestly I have a new found respect trust me when I say this being a woman and I say this without the having that time of the month, women suck it up everyday. In just about 10 months I have physically lost the ability to "muscle" things. My approach has had to become thoughtful and deliberate to get to the same conclusion I have had the strength to achieve in the past. Humbling in so many ways, but that comes with the territory I suppose, I can feel my ego coming down like the Berlin wall. Both sides coming together and the material in between cherished only as history an something that was over come.
I have got to get to dinner my daughter has got to be starving by now.
So for now I love you all!!!!
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