So, it seems that as of late I haven't been able to sit and write. I suppose thats because from being a little under the weather and going through some rough patches of transition I was a little preoccupied. I felt very out of my groove so to speak. I felt as if I had really started down a path that I created in my head although wasn't what I wanted in my heart.
I had know idea when I started this that life would become complicated in the ways that it has. Not to say I thought this was going to be all peaches and cream but, well lets just say I have had an interesting journey. I find myself as a transperson forcing myself to be accepting of all not just most. That being said, I forgot that included myself for a minute. I was relentlessly trying to fit in as a woman. The truth is I am a woman and I fit in where I fit in. With my family and friends, in my community in San Francisco. I can only speak for myself but it is easy to fall into the thought pattern of singling yourself out of a crowd before they do. Its a defense mechanism and might I say a very good one. Also something that once in transition I feel I also have to let go of. I feel inside as an outward person who has been inside for far to long. Before I started this transition I never had the courage to write publicly about my feeling and certainly not make youtube videos about them. I am pushing myself to be outward. I am striving to find my place in this world as a woman and as a person. Both of which have tendencies of both male and female. I forget a lot to be proud of myself. So I want to say thank you for all of my friends who remind me often, your all amazing. I find myself very thankful today for the true, honest and caring people who I am blessed to have.
Since I have always felt like a girl and woman as I have become older and mature, I wasn't aware that my entire outlook on life and perceptions of the world would change so much! Its exciting, and fascinating what has happened in the last year. I was on anti depressants for at least 2 maybe 3 years of my life. I am proud to day that about 6 months ago I was able to stop taking them because there was a shift. I was very depressed before but it seems as I let go of the person I had created to guard, protect and persevere throughout some of the hardest times of my life, I also let go of the anger and hurt associated with what I had been through. I began to love myself as I told the entire world about who I was, why and what I am doing about it. I am not a hero, but just someone who will not say no to there heart any longer. I hope maybe that 1 person, my daughter, can see that there is nothing that should ever get in the way of who you are and what you dream.
Anyhoo, thats about all for now time to prepare for tomorrow!!
xoxo
Bella Paige
