Lately I have felt a bit of disconnection from family and friends. I am not exactly sure why. I suppose I have also blockaded myself at my apartment quite a bit more recently. I know that I am finally externally expressing how I feel and letting myself feel all of the emotions of life. Sometimes testosterone has a way of blocking emotions entirely. I am not a doctor and should have done some more research on the subject but none the less; I believe that due to men's instincts to protect, provide, and "peacock" (and by that i refer to the ego that comes along with being a man) that there is a lot less need for the portion of the brain that is emotional. So as the T runs through the brain it would stimulate certain areas associating with the 3 p's. At the same time the lack of estrogen would leave emotional areas of the brain to lie dormant. Now I have always been an emotional girl, I have cried myself to sleep many nights over futile things. I love from the deepest place in heart, and I love and protect my daughter like that of any mother. I will say this, I had no idea what adding fuel to that fire was going to bring. Of course that makes it sound like its in a negative light for me, wrong answer. I have had the happiest moments recently walking down the street, tears running down my face, with the biggest smile on my face borderline giggling. I hope you can see the picture here, truth is I have always felt the emotion, but never could get passed my testosterone filled ego to enjoy it. I never realized how happy and alive I would feel during this transition.
Yes, there is a serious dark side to transitioning. I don't want to belittle that part. I just try not to focus on it. I have just managed to get myself out of a three day super pity party starring and only attended by me. I have been trying to find myself as a woman in this world. Not everyone is happy that John is leaving. In fact I think as he is exiting stage left, so are quite a bit of the people that needed or used him for what he was capable of. I am not trying to separate myself into two people, I just feel that I am being viewed that way. I have always been a woman regardless of my physical appearance. Now that I have done the first selfish thing in my life, (HRT), and allow myself to become outwardly more of who I am and how I feel, funny thing relationships start changing. What I have a hard time figuring out is... why would you want "john" so much, I was very angry, confused, withdrawn, and depressed. I always have come across as much as possible that I am happy in life. I lived the dream that believing I was okay and happy would make it materialize in my life. Well it did, I started my transition, and now I am happy. So that brings me to start questioning those around me, and there intentions. I believe that people naturally have fear surrounding this happening as well. That brings to light for me that my social circle may be backing away because of my fear and lack of assurance towards them that everything is okay. Problem is I have the same fears. I also have learned compassion for myself, I can not take on everyone else's process with this part of my life. Truth is, for the first time in my life I expected to be able to lean on someone else's shoulder for a minute, and hear that everything is going to be okay. I have been that shoulder, the rock, the person who you may call last but you know will make everything ok. I have been that person my whole life. I have never cared what toll it took on me, I always looked at the path with a positive goal in mind, not how much it cost me nor the reward. Another truth, the road I travel has been rewarded 10 fold what I have put in, I have never had anything happen I could not handle, I have never found myself "short" on anything I truly needed. So there it is, what is my release, this blog or my vblog. I speak the truth and honestly with as much respect as possible. I feel better posting this on the internet. Hit fear with 200% of everything you got. I am a very self conscious person. So in turn I air myself and the hardest part of my life here to you. I was scared, the kind where you start to panic, of the idea of piercing my body. So I went in and had a very sensitive part of my body done, It was nothing short of the most spiritual experience i have ever had. I released parts of me that day that I had been holding on to for years. I was the same (panic stricken with fear) about skydiving. Honestly I am not even a big fan of flying. Well you guessed it jumped out of a perfectly good airplane with two German guys and one of my best friends. A story that I personally could never due the justice of retelling. I am afraid of failing, so I don't. I will not give up, I will not quit, and further more i will never fail. Because we are all in control of our own destiny. The idea that I could conquer three of my biggest fears in life leads me to tell myself everything is going to be ok. I know in my heart I am strong enough to do this alone. I am also wise enough to ask my friends and family for help, because a road traveled with loved ones, can be a much brighter place when your facing your darkest moments. I see my therapist, she listens to endless rants and stories that bother me, instead of pointing out the negative portion of every story which is what I often get caught up in. She points out the ways I positively handled it. The boundary between right and wrong has never been an issue for me. I know if I am doing something wrong and am connected enough with my soul to see it before I make the mistake. Not that I always listen, but I know. So when I speak with her, I am honest, I tell her where I made the mistakes and she tells me where I didn't. This style works for me, but is definitely a tool that everyone that is transitioning should carry in there "kit to a healthy transition". If it was not for the darkness in life I would have never grown strong enough to handle this.
The following are truths about how I feel, some I have told others never spoken before.
I feel like a crazy half breed tranny that is going to end up in the gutter somewhere after an unsuccessful transition and being unable to support herself. I am scared to lose my daughter in all of this and the relationship we have. I fear that my gender status will affect her social life to the point of her distancing herself from me. I fear losing all my girlfriends because I am not the guy that was always there doing those gentleman like things, and losing all my guy friends because they like the "bro code" kind of friendships which I have incidentally lost my membership card to. I fear never finding love again as it may seem to complicated to deal with someone with so much baggage @ face value. I fear losing the arena to care for and mother those special people in my life due to being dismissed. Last one, plain and simple, I fear that the pain will never go away from the 32 years I lived as a man in this world, I punished myself again and again for being a woman in hope that I would stop feeling that way. I have burned and cut my body with abandon because I was angry at what I saw. It hurt so bad to be me that that at one point I chose a to try to end my life. A past time has been plucking the male course hair from my face and chest one by one, not to get rid of it but to try to suppress the pain and hide the shear hatred I had for who I was. If you were a SF resident at one time or another you might have seen me... In my car or van, screaming at the top of my lungs, pounding relentlessly on the steering wheel, and asking the universe why, why cant I be a guy or girl, why do I have to be a girl that looks like this, why the pain. why the hardship. what did I do, I will do anything to fix it, just tell me.
Well wrote the last paragraph first but it seemed to be better at the bottom. my eyes have filled with tears and I can no longer see the screen. I seriously love you all whether we have met or not. My heart knows love. and of the pain it only knows not to inflict it on others. thanks for reading
with love light and peace
Bella Paige
So the title... Yeah if your going to label me in the first place my attitude will probably be somewhat dismissive. Not that I don't believe in compassion even for the most ignorant of people. But the truth is that on a daily basis I am not by any means a saint or perfect. I have my moments of slipping up when people stare or misinterpret my gender. I try to keep it a look of confusion, but on occasion I have been known to get defensive of me and my sisters and lash out with distain. I guess what I am trying to get across here is that a smile, and internally dismissing the comments or stares, and externally not showing that they got to you if they did goes a lot further towards correcting the problem.....People need to be taught about my sub culture.
As of 10/15 I have read the whole blog. A customer-friend wanted me to add him to facebook. I did. Honesty, it took me 2 days to consider this as if he sees my page, he sees the new you and he is a client. Honesty, I said I supported you, took 2 days to decide how much support and what support meant. Be easy on friends and family, as while it's hardest on you, it can be hard on them too! Love Pops.
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