Hey everyone, well I thought I would take a second to say what a wonderful amazing life as a transperson is. Well mostly I wish it was all amazing and wonderful, although this weekend, left a lot to be desired.
''Don't make eye contact with him, giggle giggle, " and "omg" or how about infamous tap on the shoulder followed by "oh shit" when I turn around. Okay the last one is probably the one that hurts the most. I have to not let peoples ignorance belittle the person I am. I have been to deep dark places and up to the highest clouds in my lifetime both literally and figuratively. One thing I have found no matter where I am is... Accepting myself and having others accept me as well, Is the hardest part of this transition. I know that if I have a hard time with this, than everybody else who is not blessed with the 25 years of research I have done on this topic, will surely be a little more off kilter so to speak. So I try to ignore the comments from strangers as I know that standing up and belittling them in public is dangerous, and unfruitful in everyday. I don't want people to think that trans folk are dangerous or aggressive. I don't want to give the power to the three guys at the counter by showing them it hurt my feelings. And further I don't want to raise my daughter to handle situation like that. I must say the rudeness that people unleash on to others has got to end. I personally have made it a quest in my life to "check my attitude". Now obviously I have quite a few different things that I work on in life. See, for me this is all about becoming the person that I am, learning to be accepting and loving of myself. My existence has never known a limitation when helping family and friends, In fact almost anybody in need. Of course over the years that has been limited to what our family can afford, as I have a daughter and have to put her ahead of everything, happily I might add. So any hoo, I have given myself a limited amount of space to express who I was, I surrounded myself with people who were strong willed. I watched and helped them journey and they would seem to drift away and on with the next one. Life is full of change, so don't throw your pennies away. Well now that I am in my 30's I have been blessed with the information that, I can be gracious to myself as well. I will be honest I am still unsure about that last sentence due to the fact that, I try my best to implement that into my daily life but do not always succeed. As I force this upon myself I feel better. Its a long road to recovery from self hatred. Just because I realized I was a woman, and realized that I was in a man's body, was never directly linked in my brain to the part where, I feel terrible, I feel like I am trapped, I feel alone, I feel different from everyone, I will just isolate myself. So now, once the synapses was created in my brain linking the two, I am able to process those feeling for what they are, and be very gentle and work them out one my one. I have started to come out of my shell much because the shell I was born in feels nothing like where I am now. I cant say I woke up in a woman's body this morning, but I have seen so much change in the last 11 months it is truly amazing. Everything from my skin softening and thickening in the atypical female regions, my hair started to grow back from where it had slightly receded to my original hairline, my hair became softer and less dry and stringy. There is definitely breast growth, I suppose its between na and a. All of the fat I didn't have before redistributed to my thighs and ass. My muscles now that my doses of my medication are correct seem to be losing definition a little bit, although I don't help the situation by working my little but off everyday. A lot of my hair growth on my chest neck and face just stopped. I am lucky, as for a lot of people thats not the case at all. Which brings me to..... So glad I did not wait any longer to do this. I was starting to feel the pressure of my body aging and saying to me if your gonna do this ever do it now, referring to my transition of course. So I walked in with a form I had in my possession for 3 years saw a doctor and she gave me the prescription. I filled it and started immediately. I will tell you the changes it has made on my mental status are amazing, I feel so much better about my body and also with the absence of testosterone which I detest by the way, I was at home. I never felt better, physically the first few weeks were hard, in fact Sleeping has become very important ever since I started. I feel exhausted constantly from my body breaking down and rebuilding itself one area at a time. I feel like a construction site and let me tell you its not easy. Certain days I wake up and I feel like overnight neuropathy set in in a whole area of muscles, well essentially that is what happened, just amazing how nothing can happen for a month or so and then over night your body just decides, lets do this all tonight. I don't know medically if that is true, but I am pretty in touch with my body and often have been correct about my diagnosis. so I say this science is cool but watch out, cause its not always easy. Well anyway, that brings me back to current. The other time in between flew by, really work and planning, my daughters graduation, high school applications, 3 lost iphone's by my daughter, and a breakup that was hard to. I suppose thats all for now its getting late. Love and peace to everyone.
xoxo
Bella Paige
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