Dani, oh you would have to meet this woman to understand, we have had a very deep and elongated sort of string of relationships. The seven years ending only today by my own sword had been filled with love but mostly distance and loneliness. I bet your all wondering where this is going, why the hell if it was filled with those qualities that I would allow my delicate maturing womanhood go forth and pursue this again.
Love, true love the kind that hurts, hurts deep. The love that a shift in the earths plates could not pull apart, a love so bountiful in my heart, i felt I could beautify the entire world with its strength. This very love called out in my mind and body on sun. Why don't you check your myspace, I mean nothing else to do seen everything on Facebook and returned all my emails. So after not being on there in two years, my account picture remains the same ol blond haired boy, with an off handed name my daughter at some point changed. I clicked on mail as I thought well lets see. So I proceeded to delete the overflowing mail server of spam, I came across a message that read,
"Hey. You probably don't even check this anymore, but I thought id give it a try anyway. I've been putting off tracking you down. I want to apologize to you. I was horrible to you and you probably don't even care anymore, but I've felt guilty for years now. You're a good man. You're a decent man. I treated you badly and I'm sorry for it. That's it. I don't expect to hear from you, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't try to contact me. I just needed to get that off my chest."
Well I was shocked, for two reasons, one she had sent the email the very same day just hours before I checked it. and two, the last time I spoke with dani, was five years before, when she had been out here with her husband. The night she took a hold of me looked into my eyes and said, i love you and kissed me three feet from the door her husband was sitting on the other side of. Now there were conversations that went back and forth after that night, i was attempting to move to facilitate her and her daughter moving here. I felt that even though the next weeks ahead were traumatic that our love was no match for the challenge. hmmmm Only problem was i got a phone call, went sorta like this but don't quote me cause I wont lie, I tried to forget this for years, but I have never been right since. John, We can never talk again, you coerced me into the this and you have almost ruined my marriage lose my number and never call again. Well I said to myself just after she hung up. That I would never take relationships again seriously. Now I have been in relationships that have been or seemed pretty serious afterwards. In fact I fell in love as deep as I possibly could with a section of my heart gone.
But anyway this brings me to the fact, I told her when we texted on sun that I would be friends with her. I mean I did not know what else to say. I was engulfed in the feeling of her presence all around me the very person who still and always will carry a piece of me with her everywhere. I believed again and had faith again, that this couldn't happen again. But truth is I think it was the first or second response from her I felt like my emotional in box started over flowing with thoughts and emotions she and her daughter were sending me. well we have gone back and forth for two three days, I had to confront this thing head on, I know how it felt before and I could already feel the super intense and impossible to ignore love all over again. So i tried to shut it up, I did. PFFFFtttt that was not happening or working cause let me tell you, I would not be in tears if any of this worked.
So i wrote I tried to become more and more blunt until i said screw it I am going to texas. Despite the crazy week and the insane lead story to this and the stolen van this week, I said screw it It cant hurt to go. Well when I attempted to tell her I was coming I felt the need to bring up details about love and me and her. Turns out I was wrong apparently, fate or not its not our fate or one she will allow. Although I did receive a message saying, " I love you i always have loved you and I always will love you." Truth is everyone, what am I suppose to do hear. There is one side of me which without question would stand idly by waiting for her forever. The very same section of me says that I would not wait forever and it is worth every waking moment, as the moments I spend communicating with her are felt in a different time format feeling like a moment is comparable to a long day. When it comes to love is fighting wrong, I mean fighting for someone. Where do you draw the line? Which leads me to the other side of me. As I progress through this amazing transition I realize that my self esteem, personal care, and self worth have improved significantly. This also helps me not to want to put myself in a position where I was in love with her everyday, but allowed to show it never. In fact it reminds me of pretransition life. Where I hid my feeling's everyday, and buried them until they resurfaced with a vengeance.
So wrote a very emotional email, which I don't feel entirely proper sharing, so here is the brief version:
We have always been in love and been soul mates and we both know it. You never left your first husband, but then divorced him and never found me. You got remarried, and now you call again. You tell me you love me but you wont leave him. And you agree that you should have never left in the first place. I love you and respect you and will not defile your marriage in any way as I love your daughter and I don't want to hurt her. I wont come down there and I wont be calling or writing or texting again. This is the third time that I have felt the devastation from allowing myself to fall deeply into what we have as opposed to looking and then proceeding to safety where my heart does not ache.
Well that was what I sent, to be honest, I really did not even want to do this. I did not even want to push her away. My friendships that I have are amazing but I would have loved to have another supportive friend that I felt comfortable with. I cringed and almost spilled an individual tear for every word I wrote in that email. It was like being on an island and pushing away your only boat into the sea. I feel a little lost tonight, I did not see this outcome, or situation coming at all, blindsided would be lightly putting it.
World, love is so hard. Life is so hard. what do I do. cause everything seems wrong
So the other highlight of the week is that my ford workman was stolen from the front of our house. Long story short lost close to 10-15k in tools. So I am just assuming this van has seen its last day. I pull up near my apartment which is not where the van was stolen from, and it happens to be no more than 50 yards from my front door. Thats where they ditched it, with stolen plates, and not much inside but trash and my ladders. So as you can see I am having a weird karmic week. I don't know how to proceed with anything, In fact all of this makes me want to remain as stationary as possible. I am not a person that does well when I could be thriving but just am not .
I love you all I am to damn tired and honestly to ambivalent at the moment to grammar capit, spell check all this
one love
namaste
Bella Paige
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