I talked about this topic briefly on my vlog, although I did not really express to much of what it feels like. I fell short with words when I was speaking about it. Although it has become a source of discomfort for me emotionally and mentally recently. As I integrate myself into woman hood I feel more and more disconnected from anything that is male, especially the junk part. I never felt this before and have always read other trans people stories about how they cant stand it or cant look at it. All variations of the same thing. I dont have that distaste for myself in anyway. I am getting farther and farther from hating myself in anyway to be honest. Truth be told though, it is a cumbersome weight to bare daily. From being very particular about what I wear, to not really looking down or trying to mentally block out that it is there. But to no avail. So I suppose that this comes along with the territory. I feel like the hardest part about this recent development of distaste is that it pushes me to really consider srs. It is not that I never wanted the "Full" transition. Its just that, who is not afraid of surgery right. Well either way its starting to feel like the right idea for the future. The future being after I go through ffs all my laser hair removal and completely paid off my daughter high school and further more hopefully have something to send her off to college with.
Well anyway, I also feel that I have been really mentally letting go of that male ego, or "JOHN" so to speak. Not that I did not and do not value the personality I created. Hell to be honest, I am pretty damn proud of the work that I put into what I call passing as male and feel more self respect for going through what I did than any negative feeling at all. I can say that I feel like a few people are having a hard time with the departure of it. And blame them I don't. The truth is that I created a man's image in my mind of what I would want be if I was a man. I had fun with it. I even jumped to the negative side of it during my teenage years. Meaning I became a heartless asshole, who needed not to think of others reality only his. Well I learned quick that was not something I wanted to portray. I explored what it meant to be male, to work harder than you thought you could, to push your body beyond the limit and then going beyond that point. I was an incurable workaholic, with reckless abandon. I have finally got to see from my own perspective how that person almost took over me and brought me to the brink of death. In 2006 my suicide attempt was only validated by the understanding I gained from it, life is to fucking short to pretend to be something your not. So that is when the journey truly began for me. I vowed when I failed that day to make the life inside me a reality and not an embarrassment. I now find myself looking down at my ever changing body, and I am starting to see it transform. And the more I allow myself to feel beautiful and proud of who I am the more my physical reality follows suit. Somedays in truth I look in the mirror and still wonder if all of the male I see and feel will ever subside into my heart where I derived it. Well one thing is for sure, my male tendencies, "chalked up the deuces". I am super emotional and unrealistic to take the place of it though. I incessantly fix my hair, and powder my face, lotion my skin, etc etc etc. I worry more about my daughter's feelings than I ever had. I have really enjoyed the new side of our relationship a lot. Parenting has changed a lot in the last two years since she was 12. She physically needs me less, well with the exception I think she would forget half her life if I did not remind her. But she has her own life developing. Her own social circle to worry and think about. Her own body and mind issues to work out. And lets not forget about Facebook twitter Skype, tumbler and myspace. That could consume hours upon hours. If there is time left she normally ends up reading and on a rare occasion watches television. Well the bright side is that it has given me the opportunity to focus on changes I have needed to work on for a long time.
I want to particularly thank my friends and family this week that have made an effort to be there present in my life and help me through this. I can say that dani, lauren and katie and my dad have all had such impeccable timing in calling me or sending me love. I know I have been such a bitch in the past I may have pushed you away, deleted you Facebook or not answered your calls. I am trying to put all that behind me with the anger I carried for so many years. You all deserve a big hug and a vacation that I wish I could bring you all on. At least its over right!!!
well thats it for now,
peace love light and honesty
Bella Paige
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