Sunday, April 3, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
March Madness in its finest in full effect
I dont suppose many people are reading this but I will go on none the less. I have been up and down over the past few months and was not being honest with myself. I also did not listen to my support group, friends and family so to speak.
Okay that was jumping in kinda deep I know. So lets just start back in december when the girl whom I was in love with moved back into my house. I KNOW you all told me so. Well I let her come back to stay on account of the fact that the house that she was living in was robbed. I don't quite understand really where she "felt safer here". Seeing that I had my van stolen recently. Here is where its starts getting a little weird. So she is here and sometimes on the couch and sometimes in my bed. Yes I am still in love with her no matter what I am trying to put off to the people around me. Love is like a sickness that you just can't kick and one day you could actually die from. The truth is I thought that I was completely done but as I saw her independent strong willed nature working hard to only struggle by, and I let the flood gates go. I saw a stronger woman, a woman who I thought had matured past the events of 1 year ago bringing someone home in a cab. So later that month, wait for it, yes my van was stolen again, and all my tools gone for the second time. Did I mention it was on the 23rd of december. I can't say I even cared that much, I knew we were insured this time as we were not the first. So I figure if I found it in my neighborhood this time I might as well go looking again. 10 min or less I find it parked about 12 blocks from my apartment. Broken passenger window, and the tires were even curbed. Well I went through the entire routine with the officers and then drove the van myself, with a screwdriver in the ignition, and a broken window on a seriously cold day here. Well moving on I lost a lot more money with the van being out for another 2 weeks being repaired and inspected. Btw don't ever go looking for your own vehicle when its stolen. Its just doesn't look good to the insurance companies. They did this whole investigation on our case and its three months later and we still have not received payment. Honestly it gets better. Feb 3 now, I was admitted to a crisis center voluntarily for panic attack syndrome. I had three days before that, or excruciating fear and panic. I honestly felt as if it would be safer to commit suicide than live another moment. Just before I was given ativan to calm down I was rocking back and forth and crying. Well I stayed at this wonderful ADU whom taught me a little about coping and adjusted some of my meeds. I actually came out a week early on account of the fact I was seriously scared of not working and losing my house and leaving my dad hanging out to dry. Four days later.... My dad called and asked if I was okay, and I started panicky crying all over again. Six hours later I was readmitted to the same ADU. I spent this time really trying to sort out my medication with my doctors and getting referrals for help for my daughter and I. I say this with complete understanding, because my parents believed this time I had lost it and wasn't ever coming back, they closed the company. Once I had been at the ADU 3-4 days, I had to go home and pick up some cloths. So I leave early as to try to make it back for one of the group meeting and wouldn't ya know it. god damn I was right, I had a feeling about this but I can't believe I am staring at some guy and the girl sleeping in my bed fucking naked. I think that was a quote but I am not sure if it was word for word. Obviously this was not the time to take advantage of the girl who was in the hospital. There is a very large whole where my heart used to be. Its like it is a cave and a bear has crawled inside, and is striking the cave walls with uninhabited rage. Yes I made it out of that situation without barely even raising my voice. Yup, you guessed it, the ativan did its job. So I am out now healing from the past 4 months and taking things slow with everything transition included. thats all folks love ya peace
Okay that was jumping in kinda deep I know. So lets just start back in december when the girl whom I was in love with moved back into my house. I KNOW you all told me so. Well I let her come back to stay on account of the fact that the house that she was living in was robbed. I don't quite understand really where she "felt safer here". Seeing that I had my van stolen recently. Here is where its starts getting a little weird. So she is here and sometimes on the couch and sometimes in my bed. Yes I am still in love with her no matter what I am trying to put off to the people around me. Love is like a sickness that you just can't kick and one day you could actually die from. The truth is I thought that I was completely done but as I saw her independent strong willed nature working hard to only struggle by, and I let the flood gates go. I saw a stronger woman, a woman who I thought had matured past the events of 1 year ago bringing someone home in a cab. So later that month, wait for it, yes my van was stolen again, and all my tools gone for the second time. Did I mention it was on the 23rd of december. I can't say I even cared that much, I knew we were insured this time as we were not the first. So I figure if I found it in my neighborhood this time I might as well go looking again. 10 min or less I find it parked about 12 blocks from my apartment. Broken passenger window, and the tires were even curbed. Well I went through the entire routine with the officers and then drove the van myself, with a screwdriver in the ignition, and a broken window on a seriously cold day here. Well moving on I lost a lot more money with the van being out for another 2 weeks being repaired and inspected. Btw don't ever go looking for your own vehicle when its stolen. Its just doesn't look good to the insurance companies. They did this whole investigation on our case and its three months later and we still have not received payment. Honestly it gets better. Feb 3 now, I was admitted to a crisis center voluntarily for panic attack syndrome. I had three days before that, or excruciating fear and panic. I honestly felt as if it would be safer to commit suicide than live another moment. Just before I was given ativan to calm down I was rocking back and forth and crying. Well I stayed at this wonderful ADU whom taught me a little about coping and adjusted some of my meeds. I actually came out a week early on account of the fact I was seriously scared of not working and losing my house and leaving my dad hanging out to dry. Four days later.... My dad called and asked if I was okay, and I started panicky crying all over again. Six hours later I was readmitted to the same ADU. I spent this time really trying to sort out my medication with my doctors and getting referrals for help for my daughter and I. I say this with complete understanding, because my parents believed this time I had lost it and wasn't ever coming back, they closed the company. Once I had been at the ADU 3-4 days, I had to go home and pick up some cloths. So I leave early as to try to make it back for one of the group meeting and wouldn't ya know it. god damn I was right, I had a feeling about this but I can't believe I am staring at some guy and the girl sleeping in my bed fucking naked. I think that was a quote but I am not sure if it was word for word. Obviously this was not the time to take advantage of the girl who was in the hospital. There is a very large whole where my heart used to be. Its like it is a cave and a bear has crawled inside, and is striking the cave walls with uninhabited rage. Yes I made it out of that situation without barely even raising my voice. Yup, you guessed it, the ativan did its job. So I am out now healing from the past 4 months and taking things slow with everything transition included. thats all folks love ya peace
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The New Year!!
Well, ladies and gentleman of the online world. What can I say except this year has been filled with fun, amazing days and terrible horrifying events? I have learned from everything and now leaving all that in the past, but the lessons I learned. I go forth into 2011 with guilt free peace, love, and a new found appreciation for true self acceptance.
Life in general can take a toll on you as you progress through any year. By about T giving, everyone is about ready for the year to be over if not sooner. I try to remember the balance daily and as a whole in life between the positive and negative. I have been blessed with the ability to start my hair removal and hormone replacement therapy, I suppose is balanced by the two auto thefts I have gone through this year. I am blessed in the way that the community I live in is mostly accepting of who I am. And this is balanced out by obscene comments I receive like, "Oh my f***ing god" or "oh shit thats a ..." At the end of year I look where I started and where I ended up. Naturally trying in some way to allow myself praise. But this year has been a year of such mixed activities. I have been spending so much time focusing on my trans related issues, that I have not seen much of an improvement on scale of life. In fact I feel like I have gone the opposite way. I never supposed single parenting was easy or affordable for that matter. I knew I would have a financial struggle, I just did not think that I would be a single trans woman single parent with no college degree. Fortunately I have or should I say had strength and will power and a fearless attitude to allow me to excel in construction up until the latter part of this year. The hormones are diminishing my upper body strength quickly and for that matter changing my over all attitude about construction in general. It also took a lot less mental will power prior to the banning of testosterone from my body. I just don't feel the desire to create in that fashion any longer. I still have the innate ability and that leads me to the fork I have been stuck at for the last three months of the year.
How to handle transitioning in construction or transitioning my life to suit my significant change, my gender.
I have gone back and forth all year but mostly in the last quarter on this issue. I allowed for the beginning of the year quite a bit of fear in my heart. I was afraid of failure, and self ridicule. So I have finally made the decision to go back to school and get my AA is psychology. Now wouldn't it be funny if the statement was made, "So, you have waited until now because of fear". Yes, that statement was made to be within the first five min of a phone call I had with a counselor at an online college. My reply was of course not. I have never failed at anything. Now I am not sure that that is completely true. But for the most part it is. Succeeding on the first attempt has not always been the outcome. But I still complete my original goal before giving up. So, as much as I would love to jump right into a college hear in SF, it is just another drive in the car I don't have time for. I chose to do this online because I don't want my daughter to be home alone all day and night. I am a self motivated person, so I assume I can get it together enough to do this on my own. I hope to have this completed in the next two years. This coincides with my transition in a lot ways. I want end all to do trans psychology and therapy at an affordable rate to those in need. I want to be able to do online therapy sessions for those not in the bay area. Many people I know live in areas with no gender specific therapists or psychologists even within one hour of their home. This makes therapy terribly unaffordable and out of reach. I have always felt that education was very important for my daughter, Especially because fair or not the job market for males and females and scale of pay is still not as comparative as I would like. So with the self care plan I have imposed on myself, I believe that retraining myself for a field in which I have interest in and enjoy would be the best idea. Much like playing a musical instrument. Practice everyday has made me realize that commitment to playing the guitar is life long. In that realization is what I compare school to. I love to learn, to feel intelligent and well versed in my field and in general for that matter. I have not exactly led a scholarly path in my life, but if I can change my gender I suppose that this couldn't be nearly as difficult. Another reason I say that this recent decision is transition related is, because as a woman I feel the need to care and nurture in a clean and comfortable environment. Now you might wonder why exactly, would as a person whom was transgender since I can remember, would have got into the construction field in the first place. Well, truth be told I don't remember having much a choice. As a troubled teen full of misunderstood feelings and up against a wall no one would help me climb. I made a choice to succeed and help my family at the same time. It never occurred to me I had a choice. I always assumed that what was in front of me was meant to be and there was room for change. Not until recently at 32 years old, 5 years of therapy, 3 years of anti depressants, two therapists, one psychologist, and 2 gender therapists later was it that I said, I can do whatever I want and there is no reason that I cant retrain myself and stay finically afloat and afford this transition all at once. Now the plates getting pretty full over here. But I love a full plate.
Since I recently have had some extra time off I have really been enjoyed making home cooked meals for my daughter and I. I have never been much of a chef, although I definitely know the difference between frying and baking chicken. I have found it very therapeutic to start cooking it up in the kitchen. I quit smoking recently and that was leading me to eat. I figured that I could save some money and calories if I was to cook the meal myself. What I like the most about cooking for myself is, I am creating the very energy I am going to use to accomplish ideas that are my own as well. I just feel that maybe if I cook a meal, ingest it and in turn gain energy from it, that the entire process is a little more pure. When I studied different facets of holistic energy work, I found that in most cultures food is blessed before being consumed. Food, also may be prepared of given as a gift or offering as well. But, either way it's definitely raw energy that travels through us physically and in my opinion spiritually too. If you have ever had a magic mushroom you definitely understand the extreme side of that statement. lol But truthfully I feel a lot cleaner and more self connected the more I have been preparing my own meals.
hmmmmm lots going on but never enough time!!!
Love you all and Happy Holidays!!!
BE PEACE AND LOVE
Jezzabella Paige
Life in general can take a toll on you as you progress through any year. By about T giving, everyone is about ready for the year to be over if not sooner. I try to remember the balance daily and as a whole in life between the positive and negative. I have been blessed with the ability to start my hair removal and hormone replacement therapy, I suppose is balanced by the two auto thefts I have gone through this year. I am blessed in the way that the community I live in is mostly accepting of who I am. And this is balanced out by obscene comments I receive like, "Oh my f***ing god" or "oh shit thats a ..." At the end of year I look where I started and where I ended up. Naturally trying in some way to allow myself praise. But this year has been a year of such mixed activities. I have been spending so much time focusing on my trans related issues, that I have not seen much of an improvement on scale of life. In fact I feel like I have gone the opposite way. I never supposed single parenting was easy or affordable for that matter. I knew I would have a financial struggle, I just did not think that I would be a single trans woman single parent with no college degree. Fortunately I have or should I say had strength and will power and a fearless attitude to allow me to excel in construction up until the latter part of this year. The hormones are diminishing my upper body strength quickly and for that matter changing my over all attitude about construction in general. It also took a lot less mental will power prior to the banning of testosterone from my body. I just don't feel the desire to create in that fashion any longer. I still have the innate ability and that leads me to the fork I have been stuck at for the last three months of the year.
How to handle transitioning in construction or transitioning my life to suit my significant change, my gender.
I have gone back and forth all year but mostly in the last quarter on this issue. I allowed for the beginning of the year quite a bit of fear in my heart. I was afraid of failure, and self ridicule. So I have finally made the decision to go back to school and get my AA is psychology. Now wouldn't it be funny if the statement was made, "So, you have waited until now because of fear". Yes, that statement was made to be within the first five min of a phone call I had with a counselor at an online college. My reply was of course not. I have never failed at anything. Now I am not sure that that is completely true. But for the most part it is. Succeeding on the first attempt has not always been the outcome. But I still complete my original goal before giving up. So, as much as I would love to jump right into a college hear in SF, it is just another drive in the car I don't have time for. I chose to do this online because I don't want my daughter to be home alone all day and night. I am a self motivated person, so I assume I can get it together enough to do this on my own. I hope to have this completed in the next two years. This coincides with my transition in a lot ways. I want end all to do trans psychology and therapy at an affordable rate to those in need. I want to be able to do online therapy sessions for those not in the bay area. Many people I know live in areas with no gender specific therapists or psychologists even within one hour of their home. This makes therapy terribly unaffordable and out of reach. I have always felt that education was very important for my daughter, Especially because fair or not the job market for males and females and scale of pay is still not as comparative as I would like. So with the self care plan I have imposed on myself, I believe that retraining myself for a field in which I have interest in and enjoy would be the best idea. Much like playing a musical instrument. Practice everyday has made me realize that commitment to playing the guitar is life long. In that realization is what I compare school to. I love to learn, to feel intelligent and well versed in my field and in general for that matter. I have not exactly led a scholarly path in my life, but if I can change my gender I suppose that this couldn't be nearly as difficult. Another reason I say that this recent decision is transition related is, because as a woman I feel the need to care and nurture in a clean and comfortable environment. Now you might wonder why exactly, would as a person whom was transgender since I can remember, would have got into the construction field in the first place. Well, truth be told I don't remember having much a choice. As a troubled teen full of misunderstood feelings and up against a wall no one would help me climb. I made a choice to succeed and help my family at the same time. It never occurred to me I had a choice. I always assumed that what was in front of me was meant to be and there was room for change. Not until recently at 32 years old, 5 years of therapy, 3 years of anti depressants, two therapists, one psychologist, and 2 gender therapists later was it that I said, I can do whatever I want and there is no reason that I cant retrain myself and stay finically afloat and afford this transition all at once. Now the plates getting pretty full over here. But I love a full plate.
Since I recently have had some extra time off I have really been enjoyed making home cooked meals for my daughter and I. I have never been much of a chef, although I definitely know the difference between frying and baking chicken. I have found it very therapeutic to start cooking it up in the kitchen. I quit smoking recently and that was leading me to eat. I figured that I could save some money and calories if I was to cook the meal myself. What I like the most about cooking for myself is, I am creating the very energy I am going to use to accomplish ideas that are my own as well. I just feel that maybe if I cook a meal, ingest it and in turn gain energy from it, that the entire process is a little more pure. When I studied different facets of holistic energy work, I found that in most cultures food is blessed before being consumed. Food, also may be prepared of given as a gift or offering as well. But, either way it's definitely raw energy that travels through us physically and in my opinion spiritually too. If you have ever had a magic mushroom you definitely understand the extreme side of that statement. lol But truthfully I feel a lot cleaner and more self connected the more I have been preparing my own meals.
hmmmmm lots going on but never enough time!!!
Love you all and Happy Holidays!!!
BE PEACE AND LOVE
Jezzabella Paige
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving!!! Also a little update!
So, it seems that as of late I haven't been able to sit and write. I suppose thats because from being a little under the weather and going through some rough patches of transition I was a little preoccupied. I felt very out of my groove so to speak. I felt as if I had really started down a path that I created in my head although wasn't what I wanted in my heart.
I had know idea when I started this that life would become complicated in the ways that it has. Not to say I thought this was going to be all peaches and cream but, well lets just say I have had an interesting journey. I find myself as a transperson forcing myself to be accepting of all not just most. That being said, I forgot that included myself for a minute. I was relentlessly trying to fit in as a woman. The truth is I am a woman and I fit in where I fit in. With my family and friends, in my community in San Francisco. I can only speak for myself but it is easy to fall into the thought pattern of singling yourself out of a crowd before they do. Its a defense mechanism and might I say a very good one. Also something that once in transition I feel I also have to let go of. I feel inside as an outward person who has been inside for far to long. Before I started this transition I never had the courage to write publicly about my feeling and certainly not make youtube videos about them. I am pushing myself to be outward. I am striving to find my place in this world as a woman and as a person. Both of which have tendencies of both male and female. I forget a lot to be proud of myself. So I want to say thank you for all of my friends who remind me often, your all amazing. I find myself very thankful today for the true, honest and caring people who I am blessed to have.
Since I have always felt like a girl and woman as I have become older and mature, I wasn't aware that my entire outlook on life and perceptions of the world would change so much! Its exciting, and fascinating what has happened in the last year. I was on anti depressants for at least 2 maybe 3 years of my life. I am proud to day that about 6 months ago I was able to stop taking them because there was a shift. I was very depressed before but it seems as I let go of the person I had created to guard, protect and persevere throughout some of the hardest times of my life, I also let go of the anger and hurt associated with what I had been through. I began to love myself as I told the entire world about who I was, why and what I am doing about it. I am not a hero, but just someone who will not say no to there heart any longer. I hope maybe that 1 person, my daughter, can see that there is nothing that should ever get in the way of who you are and what you dream.
Anyhoo, thats about all for now time to prepare for tomorrow!!
xoxo
Bella Paige
I had know idea when I started this that life would become complicated in the ways that it has. Not to say I thought this was going to be all peaches and cream but, well lets just say I have had an interesting journey. I find myself as a transperson forcing myself to be accepting of all not just most. That being said, I forgot that included myself for a minute. I was relentlessly trying to fit in as a woman. The truth is I am a woman and I fit in where I fit in. With my family and friends, in my community in San Francisco. I can only speak for myself but it is easy to fall into the thought pattern of singling yourself out of a crowd before they do. Its a defense mechanism and might I say a very good one. Also something that once in transition I feel I also have to let go of. I feel inside as an outward person who has been inside for far to long. Before I started this transition I never had the courage to write publicly about my feeling and certainly not make youtube videos about them. I am pushing myself to be outward. I am striving to find my place in this world as a woman and as a person. Both of which have tendencies of both male and female. I forget a lot to be proud of myself. So I want to say thank you for all of my friends who remind me often, your all amazing. I find myself very thankful today for the true, honest and caring people who I am blessed to have.
Since I have always felt like a girl and woman as I have become older and mature, I wasn't aware that my entire outlook on life and perceptions of the world would change so much! Its exciting, and fascinating what has happened in the last year. I was on anti depressants for at least 2 maybe 3 years of my life. I am proud to day that about 6 months ago I was able to stop taking them because there was a shift. I was very depressed before but it seems as I let go of the person I had created to guard, protect and persevere throughout some of the hardest times of my life, I also let go of the anger and hurt associated with what I had been through. I began to love myself as I told the entire world about who I was, why and what I am doing about it. I am not a hero, but just someone who will not say no to there heart any longer. I hope maybe that 1 person, my daughter, can see that there is nothing that should ever get in the way of who you are and what you dream.
Anyhoo, thats about all for now time to prepare for tomorrow!!
xoxo
Bella Paige
Monday, October 25, 2010
Some men get Penis Envy, I just have dysphoria.
I talked about this topic briefly on my vlog, although I did not really express to much of what it feels like. I fell short with words when I was speaking about it. Although it has become a source of discomfort for me emotionally and mentally recently. As I integrate myself into woman hood I feel more and more disconnected from anything that is male, especially the junk part. I never felt this before and have always read other trans people stories about how they cant stand it or cant look at it. All variations of the same thing. I dont have that distaste for myself in anyway. I am getting farther and farther from hating myself in anyway to be honest. Truth be told though, it is a cumbersome weight to bare daily. From being very particular about what I wear, to not really looking down or trying to mentally block out that it is there. But to no avail. So I suppose that this comes along with the territory. I feel like the hardest part about this recent development of distaste is that it pushes me to really consider srs. It is not that I never wanted the "Full" transition. Its just that, who is not afraid of surgery right. Well either way its starting to feel like the right idea for the future. The future being after I go through ffs all my laser hair removal and completely paid off my daughter high school and further more hopefully have something to send her off to college with.
Well anyway, I also feel that I have been really mentally letting go of that male ego, or "JOHN" so to speak. Not that I did not and do not value the personality I created. Hell to be honest, I am pretty damn proud of the work that I put into what I call passing as male and feel more self respect for going through what I did than any negative feeling at all. I can say that I feel like a few people are having a hard time with the departure of it. And blame them I don't. The truth is that I created a man's image in my mind of what I would want be if I was a man. I had fun with it. I even jumped to the negative side of it during my teenage years. Meaning I became a heartless asshole, who needed not to think of others reality only his. Well I learned quick that was not something I wanted to portray. I explored what it meant to be male, to work harder than you thought you could, to push your body beyond the limit and then going beyond that point. I was an incurable workaholic, with reckless abandon. I have finally got to see from my own perspective how that person almost took over me and brought me to the brink of death. In 2006 my suicide attempt was only validated by the understanding I gained from it, life is to fucking short to pretend to be something your not. So that is when the journey truly began for me. I vowed when I failed that day to make the life inside me a reality and not an embarrassment. I now find myself looking down at my ever changing body, and I am starting to see it transform. And the more I allow myself to feel beautiful and proud of who I am the more my physical reality follows suit. Somedays in truth I look in the mirror and still wonder if all of the male I see and feel will ever subside into my heart where I derived it. Well one thing is for sure, my male tendencies, "chalked up the deuces". I am super emotional and unrealistic to take the place of it though. I incessantly fix my hair, and powder my face, lotion my skin, etc etc etc. I worry more about my daughter's feelings than I ever had. I have really enjoyed the new side of our relationship a lot. Parenting has changed a lot in the last two years since she was 12. She physically needs me less, well with the exception I think she would forget half her life if I did not remind her. But she has her own life developing. Her own social circle to worry and think about. Her own body and mind issues to work out. And lets not forget about Facebook twitter Skype, tumbler and myspace. That could consume hours upon hours. If there is time left she normally ends up reading and on a rare occasion watches television. Well the bright side is that it has given me the opportunity to focus on changes I have needed to work on for a long time.
I want to particularly thank my friends and family this week that have made an effort to be there present in my life and help me through this. I can say that dani, lauren and katie and my dad have all had such impeccable timing in calling me or sending me love. I know I have been such a bitch in the past I may have pushed you away, deleted you Facebook or not answered your calls. I am trying to put all that behind me with the anger I carried for so many years. You all deserve a big hug and a vacation that I wish I could bring you all on. At least its over right!!!
well thats it for now,
peace love light and honesty
Bella Paige
Well anyway, I also feel that I have been really mentally letting go of that male ego, or "JOHN" so to speak. Not that I did not and do not value the personality I created. Hell to be honest, I am pretty damn proud of the work that I put into what I call passing as male and feel more self respect for going through what I did than any negative feeling at all. I can say that I feel like a few people are having a hard time with the departure of it. And blame them I don't. The truth is that I created a man's image in my mind of what I would want be if I was a man. I had fun with it. I even jumped to the negative side of it during my teenage years. Meaning I became a heartless asshole, who needed not to think of others reality only his. Well I learned quick that was not something I wanted to portray. I explored what it meant to be male, to work harder than you thought you could, to push your body beyond the limit and then going beyond that point. I was an incurable workaholic, with reckless abandon. I have finally got to see from my own perspective how that person almost took over me and brought me to the brink of death. In 2006 my suicide attempt was only validated by the understanding I gained from it, life is to fucking short to pretend to be something your not. So that is when the journey truly began for me. I vowed when I failed that day to make the life inside me a reality and not an embarrassment. I now find myself looking down at my ever changing body, and I am starting to see it transform. And the more I allow myself to feel beautiful and proud of who I am the more my physical reality follows suit. Somedays in truth I look in the mirror and still wonder if all of the male I see and feel will ever subside into my heart where I derived it. Well one thing is for sure, my male tendencies, "chalked up the deuces". I am super emotional and unrealistic to take the place of it though. I incessantly fix my hair, and powder my face, lotion my skin, etc etc etc. I worry more about my daughter's feelings than I ever had. I have really enjoyed the new side of our relationship a lot. Parenting has changed a lot in the last two years since she was 12. She physically needs me less, well with the exception I think she would forget half her life if I did not remind her. But she has her own life developing. Her own social circle to worry and think about. Her own body and mind issues to work out. And lets not forget about Facebook twitter Skype, tumbler and myspace. That could consume hours upon hours. If there is time left she normally ends up reading and on a rare occasion watches television. Well the bright side is that it has given me the opportunity to focus on changes I have needed to work on for a long time.
I want to particularly thank my friends and family this week that have made an effort to be there present in my life and help me through this. I can say that dani, lauren and katie and my dad have all had such impeccable timing in calling me or sending me love. I know I have been such a bitch in the past I may have pushed you away, deleted you Facebook or not answered your calls. I am trying to put all that behind me with the anger I carried for so many years. You all deserve a big hug and a vacation that I wish I could bring you all on. At least its over right!!!
well thats it for now,
peace love light and honesty
Bella Paige
Thursday, October 21, 2010
my process with facial feminization surgery
Recently I had my consultation appointment at Bay Area Aesthetic Surgery. Dr Joel B Beck was the surgeon I was scheduled to see. I arrived about 30 minutes early to fill out paperwork, although I could have chosen the optional online version I chose todo it in there office. Parking was easy, at there San Mateo location on Bovet Road. There is an outdoor shopping center across the street in case you arrive early!! Upon entering there office I immediately became very comfortable with environment. It had a very uplifting and peaceful vibe. I approached the front counter and was greeted pleasantly by two women at the front desk. Both eager to help, they gave me the appropriate forms, thanked me for coming early and said I could have a seat and fill them out. The Dr will be with you shortly. I filled out all of the forms that were fairly inquisitive, I always say you can't do a good job unless you have all the information up front. So no biggeeee! I did not sit long before I was moved into a private room with Dr. Joel. I looked around the room, and saw many different plagues on the walls, from hospitals in many places and practicing many different functions of plastic and reconstructive surgery. I was particularly impressed with the fact he had done emergency reconstructive type surgeries. If you haven't seen everything in life you can't possibly be a master in your field. Well upon him entering I was immediately comforted by his calm and gentle nature. He was so wonderfully careful about everything we talked about. I think this must be hard for doctor's, to ask you what you want them to fix on your body. He handled himself very well and asked me what I thought I might want or need. I explained to him that I was doing FFS and wanted his opinion, but the work concentrated around my eye brows, nose and cheeks. So He began showing me quite a few pictures of before and after different procedures. I began to see that even the smallest change makes a big difference and I also began to get a little giddy, as the work I need done was less than I expected. But, what was super cool is we did a little mini photo shoot, of my face of course. Then he uploaded the photo's to his computer and opened up his nifty little version of photoshop. And he literally on screen changed the shape and contour of my face until it was a representation of completed ffs, Its not a photo studio but damn it definitely gave me a good visualization of what I was doing this to achieve. We then went into a nearby office where Dr. Joel and Jasmine both went over all of the fine print so to speak. They gave me the cost and were very good about explaining scheduling and payment procedures. They also set you up, if need be, for over night after care at a nearby San Francisco location. I believe that might be more for there Trans patients, as I understand people travel some distance to see him. I honestly feel blessed I only had to travel a half an hour to be in the company of qualified surgeon's and staff.
So that was my experience at the actual office, but here is more of the personal side of processing this upcoming event. I have always had some concern and self controversy over plastic surgery. I try relentlessly to convince myself that this is reconstructive surgery but you know if anything is true I live in reality. Truth be told I am super nervous about the pain. I have been through my fair share of pain in life, from broken bones, falling 30 feet from a ladder, and reconstructive surgery on my left knee and elbow all the way to self induced pain from tatoo's, piercing, self scarification. That never takes away the thought of pain you are to endure though. The second issue is more of a spiritual one. I believe in a lot of ways that we are born to fate so to speak. I feel very connected with this planet, nature and balance of things. I believe in karma, I believe that everything is balanced by a counter part. So what am I to lose and gain from this in all honesty was my question. I am loosing my male qualities, which believe me I have a few ex's who actually asked me not to do this. I am permanently changing what I was given at birth. There are problems beyond any surgeon's control, every procedure has a risk. I am spending a small fortune on my face, makes me feel a little selfish, hey I am being honest. I have to remember not to get caught up in the physical part of this transition as it is complete reorganization of my life not just a physical transformation. Preparing myself for this, has been difficult. Convincing myself it was okay to want this and furthermore okay to spend the money on it took a long time to get past. Then getting the courage to actually call and complete an appointment was another accomplishment as I was very nervous about the entire process. The money, in this case I mean coming up with it, is going to be hard. I am less and less capable of making endless amounts of money as I get older and settle in to adulthood and the idea of pacing myself. So I know this may not be tomorrow, but I am happy it will be sooner than later and that I found an amazing Doctor and staff to help me achieve this dream I have had since I was very young.
If there area any question regarding this process please ask I would be more than happy to answer
xoxo
Bella Paige
So that was my experience at the actual office, but here is more of the personal side of processing this upcoming event. I have always had some concern and self controversy over plastic surgery. I try relentlessly to convince myself that this is reconstructive surgery but you know if anything is true I live in reality. Truth be told I am super nervous about the pain. I have been through my fair share of pain in life, from broken bones, falling 30 feet from a ladder, and reconstructive surgery on my left knee and elbow all the way to self induced pain from tatoo's, piercing, self scarification. That never takes away the thought of pain you are to endure though. The second issue is more of a spiritual one. I believe in a lot of ways that we are born to fate so to speak. I feel very connected with this planet, nature and balance of things. I believe in karma, I believe that everything is balanced by a counter part. So what am I to lose and gain from this in all honesty was my question. I am loosing my male qualities, which believe me I have a few ex's who actually asked me not to do this. I am permanently changing what I was given at birth. There are problems beyond any surgeon's control, every procedure has a risk. I am spending a small fortune on my face, makes me feel a little selfish, hey I am being honest. I have to remember not to get caught up in the physical part of this transition as it is complete reorganization of my life not just a physical transformation. Preparing myself for this, has been difficult. Convincing myself it was okay to want this and furthermore okay to spend the money on it took a long time to get past. Then getting the courage to actually call and complete an appointment was another accomplishment as I was very nervous about the entire process. The money, in this case I mean coming up with it, is going to be hard. I am less and less capable of making endless amounts of money as I get older and settle in to adulthood and the idea of pacing myself. So I know this may not be tomorrow, but I am happy it will be sooner than later and that I found an amazing Doctor and staff to help me achieve this dream I have had since I was very young.
If there area any question regarding this process please ask I would be more than happy to answer
xoxo
Bella Paige
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
transition starts to go up hill, where the hell did I put my hiking boots?
Hey everyone, well I thought I would take a second to say what a wonderful amazing life as a transperson is. Well mostly I wish it was all amazing and wonderful, although this weekend, left a lot to be desired.
''Don't make eye contact with him, giggle giggle, " and "omg" or how about infamous tap on the shoulder followed by "oh shit" when I turn around. Okay the last one is probably the one that hurts the most. I have to not let peoples ignorance belittle the person I am. I have been to deep dark places and up to the highest clouds in my lifetime both literally and figuratively. One thing I have found no matter where I am is... Accepting myself and having others accept me as well, Is the hardest part of this transition. I know that if I have a hard time with this, than everybody else who is not blessed with the 25 years of research I have done on this topic, will surely be a little more off kilter so to speak. So I try to ignore the comments from strangers as I know that standing up and belittling them in public is dangerous, and unfruitful in everyday. I don't want people to think that trans folk are dangerous or aggressive. I don't want to give the power to the three guys at the counter by showing them it hurt my feelings. And further I don't want to raise my daughter to handle situation like that. I must say the rudeness that people unleash on to others has got to end. I personally have made it a quest in my life to "check my attitude". Now obviously I have quite a few different things that I work on in life. See, for me this is all about becoming the person that I am, learning to be accepting and loving of myself. My existence has never known a limitation when helping family and friends, In fact almost anybody in need. Of course over the years that has been limited to what our family can afford, as I have a daughter and have to put her ahead of everything, happily I might add. So any hoo, I have given myself a limited amount of space to express who I was, I surrounded myself with people who were strong willed. I watched and helped them journey and they would seem to drift away and on with the next one. Life is full of change, so don't throw your pennies away. Well now that I am in my 30's I have been blessed with the information that, I can be gracious to myself as well. I will be honest I am still unsure about that last sentence due to the fact that, I try my best to implement that into my daily life but do not always succeed. As I force this upon myself I feel better. Its a long road to recovery from self hatred. Just because I realized I was a woman, and realized that I was in a man's body, was never directly linked in my brain to the part where, I feel terrible, I feel like I am trapped, I feel alone, I feel different from everyone, I will just isolate myself. So now, once the synapses was created in my brain linking the two, I am able to process those feeling for what they are, and be very gentle and work them out one my one. I have started to come out of my shell much because the shell I was born in feels nothing like where I am now. I cant say I woke up in a woman's body this morning, but I have seen so much change in the last 11 months it is truly amazing. Everything from my skin softening and thickening in the atypical female regions, my hair started to grow back from where it had slightly receded to my original hairline, my hair became softer and less dry and stringy. There is definitely breast growth, I suppose its between na and a. All of the fat I didn't have before redistributed to my thighs and ass. My muscles now that my doses of my medication are correct seem to be losing definition a little bit, although I don't help the situation by working my little but off everyday. A lot of my hair growth on my chest neck and face just stopped. I am lucky, as for a lot of people thats not the case at all. Which brings me to..... So glad I did not wait any longer to do this. I was starting to feel the pressure of my body aging and saying to me if your gonna do this ever do it now, referring to my transition of course. So I walked in with a form I had in my possession for 3 years saw a doctor and she gave me the prescription. I filled it and started immediately. I will tell you the changes it has made on my mental status are amazing, I feel so much better about my body and also with the absence of testosterone which I detest by the way, I was at home. I never felt better, physically the first few weeks were hard, in fact Sleeping has become very important ever since I started. I feel exhausted constantly from my body breaking down and rebuilding itself one area at a time. I feel like a construction site and let me tell you its not easy. Certain days I wake up and I feel like overnight neuropathy set in in a whole area of muscles, well essentially that is what happened, just amazing how nothing can happen for a month or so and then over night your body just decides, lets do this all tonight. I don't know medically if that is true, but I am pretty in touch with my body and often have been correct about my diagnosis. so I say this science is cool but watch out, cause its not always easy. Well anyway, that brings me back to current. The other time in between flew by, really work and planning, my daughters graduation, high school applications, 3 lost iphone's by my daughter, and a breakup that was hard to. I suppose thats all for now its getting late. Love and peace to everyone.
xoxo
Bella Paige
''Don't make eye contact with him, giggle giggle, " and "omg" or how about infamous tap on the shoulder followed by "oh shit" when I turn around. Okay the last one is probably the one that hurts the most. I have to not let peoples ignorance belittle the person I am. I have been to deep dark places and up to the highest clouds in my lifetime both literally and figuratively. One thing I have found no matter where I am is... Accepting myself and having others accept me as well, Is the hardest part of this transition. I know that if I have a hard time with this, than everybody else who is not blessed with the 25 years of research I have done on this topic, will surely be a little more off kilter so to speak. So I try to ignore the comments from strangers as I know that standing up and belittling them in public is dangerous, and unfruitful in everyday. I don't want people to think that trans folk are dangerous or aggressive. I don't want to give the power to the three guys at the counter by showing them it hurt my feelings. And further I don't want to raise my daughter to handle situation like that. I must say the rudeness that people unleash on to others has got to end. I personally have made it a quest in my life to "check my attitude". Now obviously I have quite a few different things that I work on in life. See, for me this is all about becoming the person that I am, learning to be accepting and loving of myself. My existence has never known a limitation when helping family and friends, In fact almost anybody in need. Of course over the years that has been limited to what our family can afford, as I have a daughter and have to put her ahead of everything, happily I might add. So any hoo, I have given myself a limited amount of space to express who I was, I surrounded myself with people who were strong willed. I watched and helped them journey and they would seem to drift away and on with the next one. Life is full of change, so don't throw your pennies away. Well now that I am in my 30's I have been blessed with the information that, I can be gracious to myself as well. I will be honest I am still unsure about that last sentence due to the fact that, I try my best to implement that into my daily life but do not always succeed. As I force this upon myself I feel better. Its a long road to recovery from self hatred. Just because I realized I was a woman, and realized that I was in a man's body, was never directly linked in my brain to the part where, I feel terrible, I feel like I am trapped, I feel alone, I feel different from everyone, I will just isolate myself. So now, once the synapses was created in my brain linking the two, I am able to process those feeling for what they are, and be very gentle and work them out one my one. I have started to come out of my shell much because the shell I was born in feels nothing like where I am now. I cant say I woke up in a woman's body this morning, but I have seen so much change in the last 11 months it is truly amazing. Everything from my skin softening and thickening in the atypical female regions, my hair started to grow back from where it had slightly receded to my original hairline, my hair became softer and less dry and stringy. There is definitely breast growth, I suppose its between na and a. All of the fat I didn't have before redistributed to my thighs and ass. My muscles now that my doses of my medication are correct seem to be losing definition a little bit, although I don't help the situation by working my little but off everyday. A lot of my hair growth on my chest neck and face just stopped. I am lucky, as for a lot of people thats not the case at all. Which brings me to..... So glad I did not wait any longer to do this. I was starting to feel the pressure of my body aging and saying to me if your gonna do this ever do it now, referring to my transition of course. So I walked in with a form I had in my possession for 3 years saw a doctor and she gave me the prescription. I filled it and started immediately. I will tell you the changes it has made on my mental status are amazing, I feel so much better about my body and also with the absence of testosterone which I detest by the way, I was at home. I never felt better, physically the first few weeks were hard, in fact Sleeping has become very important ever since I started. I feel exhausted constantly from my body breaking down and rebuilding itself one area at a time. I feel like a construction site and let me tell you its not easy. Certain days I wake up and I feel like overnight neuropathy set in in a whole area of muscles, well essentially that is what happened, just amazing how nothing can happen for a month or so and then over night your body just decides, lets do this all tonight. I don't know medically if that is true, but I am pretty in touch with my body and often have been correct about my diagnosis. so I say this science is cool but watch out, cause its not always easy. Well anyway, that brings me back to current. The other time in between flew by, really work and planning, my daughters graduation, high school applications, 3 lost iphone's by my daughter, and a breakup that was hard to. I suppose thats all for now its getting late. Love and peace to everyone.
xoxo
Bella Paige
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
an entire week of tears, A Dani, a grand theft auto, and Replacing all my tools
I have to write cause I have to get this out. The emotional roller coaster that began sunday when a soulmate from a different time contacted me. I thought the universe was sponsoring this specific fate driven event. Truth is I always believe in fate, I just always feel like I know why its happening. Well here goes why I am dead wrong, why I cant stop crying, and why being trans for the first time in a long time took a back seat to something true in my heart.
Dani, oh you would have to meet this woman to understand, we have had a very deep and elongated sort of string of relationships. The seven years ending only today by my own sword had been filled with love but mostly distance and loneliness. I bet your all wondering where this is going, why the hell if it was filled with those qualities that I would allow my delicate maturing womanhood go forth and pursue this again.
Love, true love the kind that hurts, hurts deep. The love that a shift in the earths plates could not pull apart, a love so bountiful in my heart, i felt I could beautify the entire world with its strength. This very love called out in my mind and body on sun. Why don't you check your myspace, I mean nothing else to do seen everything on Facebook and returned all my emails. So after not being on there in two years, my account picture remains the same ol blond haired boy, with an off handed name my daughter at some point changed. I clicked on mail as I thought well lets see. So I proceeded to delete the overflowing mail server of spam, I came across a message that read,
"Hey. You probably don't even check this anymore, but I thought id give it a try anyway. I've been putting off tracking you down. I want to apologize to you. I was horrible to you and you probably don't even care anymore, but I've felt guilty for years now. You're a good man. You're a decent man. I treated you badly and I'm sorry for it. That's it. I don't expect to hear from you, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't try to contact me. I just needed to get that off my chest."
Well I was shocked, for two reasons, one she had sent the email the very same day just hours before I checked it. and two, the last time I spoke with dani, was five years before, when she had been out here with her husband. The night she took a hold of me looked into my eyes and said, i love you and kissed me three feet from the door her husband was sitting on the other side of. Now there were conversations that went back and forth after that night, i was attempting to move to facilitate her and her daughter moving here. I felt that even though the next weeks ahead were traumatic that our love was no match for the challenge. hmmmm Only problem was i got a phone call, went sorta like this but don't quote me cause I wont lie, I tried to forget this for years, but I have never been right since. John, We can never talk again, you coerced me into the this and you have almost ruined my marriage lose my number and never call again. Well I said to myself just after she hung up. That I would never take relationships again seriously. Now I have been in relationships that have been or seemed pretty serious afterwards. In fact I fell in love as deep as I possibly could with a section of my heart gone.
But anyway this brings me to the fact, I told her when we texted on sun that I would be friends with her. I mean I did not know what else to say. I was engulfed in the feeling of her presence all around me the very person who still and always will carry a piece of me with her everywhere. I believed again and had faith again, that this couldn't happen again. But truth is I think it was the first or second response from her I felt like my emotional in box started over flowing with thoughts and emotions she and her daughter were sending me. well we have gone back and forth for two three days, I had to confront this thing head on, I know how it felt before and I could already feel the super intense and impossible to ignore love all over again. So i tried to shut it up, I did. PFFFFtttt that was not happening or working cause let me tell you, I would not be in tears if any of this worked.
So i wrote I tried to become more and more blunt until i said screw it I am going to texas. Despite the crazy week and the insane lead story to this and the stolen van this week, I said screw it It cant hurt to go. Well when I attempted to tell her I was coming I felt the need to bring up details about love and me and her. Turns out I was wrong apparently, fate or not its not our fate or one she will allow. Although I did receive a message saying, " I love you i always have loved you and I always will love you." Truth is everyone, what am I suppose to do hear. There is one side of me which without question would stand idly by waiting for her forever. The very same section of me says that I would not wait forever and it is worth every waking moment, as the moments I spend communicating with her are felt in a different time format feeling like a moment is comparable to a long day. When it comes to love is fighting wrong, I mean fighting for someone. Where do you draw the line? Which leads me to the other side of me. As I progress through this amazing transition I realize that my self esteem, personal care, and self worth have improved significantly. This also helps me not to want to put myself in a position where I was in love with her everyday, but allowed to show it never. In fact it reminds me of pretransition life. Where I hid my feeling's everyday, and buried them until they resurfaced with a vengeance.
So wrote a very emotional email, which I don't feel entirely proper sharing, so here is the brief version:
We have always been in love and been soul mates and we both know it. You never left your first husband, but then divorced him and never found me. You got remarried, and now you call again. You tell me you love me but you wont leave him. And you agree that you should have never left in the first place. I love you and respect you and will not defile your marriage in any way as I love your daughter and I don't want to hurt her. I wont come down there and I wont be calling or writing or texting again. This is the third time that I have felt the devastation from allowing myself to fall deeply into what we have as opposed to looking and then proceeding to safety where my heart does not ache.
Well that was what I sent, to be honest, I really did not even want to do this. I did not even want to push her away. My friendships that I have are amazing but I would have loved to have another supportive friend that I felt comfortable with. I cringed and almost spilled an individual tear for every word I wrote in that email. It was like being on an island and pushing away your only boat into the sea. I feel a little lost tonight, I did not see this outcome, or situation coming at all, blindsided would be lightly putting it.
World, love is so hard. Life is so hard. what do I do. cause everything seems wrong
So the other highlight of the week is that my ford workman was stolen from the front of our house. Long story short lost close to 10-15k in tools. So I am just assuming this van has seen its last day. I pull up near my apartment which is not where the van was stolen from, and it happens to be no more than 50 yards from my front door. Thats where they ditched it, with stolen plates, and not much inside but trash and my ladders. So as you can see I am having a weird karmic week. I don't know how to proceed with anything, In fact all of this makes me want to remain as stationary as possible. I am not a person that does well when I could be thriving but just am not .
I love you all I am to damn tired and honestly to ambivalent at the moment to grammar capit, spell check all this
one love
namaste
Bella Paige
Dani, oh you would have to meet this woman to understand, we have had a very deep and elongated sort of string of relationships. The seven years ending only today by my own sword had been filled with love but mostly distance and loneliness. I bet your all wondering where this is going, why the hell if it was filled with those qualities that I would allow my delicate maturing womanhood go forth and pursue this again.
Love, true love the kind that hurts, hurts deep. The love that a shift in the earths plates could not pull apart, a love so bountiful in my heart, i felt I could beautify the entire world with its strength. This very love called out in my mind and body on sun. Why don't you check your myspace, I mean nothing else to do seen everything on Facebook and returned all my emails. So after not being on there in two years, my account picture remains the same ol blond haired boy, with an off handed name my daughter at some point changed. I clicked on mail as I thought well lets see. So I proceeded to delete the overflowing mail server of spam, I came across a message that read,
"Hey. You probably don't even check this anymore, but I thought id give it a try anyway. I've been putting off tracking you down. I want to apologize to you. I was horrible to you and you probably don't even care anymore, but I've felt guilty for years now. You're a good man. You're a decent man. I treated you badly and I'm sorry for it. That's it. I don't expect to hear from you, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't try to contact me. I just needed to get that off my chest."
Well I was shocked, for two reasons, one she had sent the email the very same day just hours before I checked it. and two, the last time I spoke with dani, was five years before, when she had been out here with her husband. The night she took a hold of me looked into my eyes and said, i love you and kissed me three feet from the door her husband was sitting on the other side of. Now there were conversations that went back and forth after that night, i was attempting to move to facilitate her and her daughter moving here. I felt that even though the next weeks ahead were traumatic that our love was no match for the challenge. hmmmm Only problem was i got a phone call, went sorta like this but don't quote me cause I wont lie, I tried to forget this for years, but I have never been right since. John, We can never talk again, you coerced me into the this and you have almost ruined my marriage lose my number and never call again. Well I said to myself just after she hung up. That I would never take relationships again seriously. Now I have been in relationships that have been or seemed pretty serious afterwards. In fact I fell in love as deep as I possibly could with a section of my heart gone.
But anyway this brings me to the fact, I told her when we texted on sun that I would be friends with her. I mean I did not know what else to say. I was engulfed in the feeling of her presence all around me the very person who still and always will carry a piece of me with her everywhere. I believed again and had faith again, that this couldn't happen again. But truth is I think it was the first or second response from her I felt like my emotional in box started over flowing with thoughts and emotions she and her daughter were sending me. well we have gone back and forth for two three days, I had to confront this thing head on, I know how it felt before and I could already feel the super intense and impossible to ignore love all over again. So i tried to shut it up, I did. PFFFFtttt that was not happening or working cause let me tell you, I would not be in tears if any of this worked.
So i wrote I tried to become more and more blunt until i said screw it I am going to texas. Despite the crazy week and the insane lead story to this and the stolen van this week, I said screw it It cant hurt to go. Well when I attempted to tell her I was coming I felt the need to bring up details about love and me and her. Turns out I was wrong apparently, fate or not its not our fate or one she will allow. Although I did receive a message saying, " I love you i always have loved you and I always will love you." Truth is everyone, what am I suppose to do hear. There is one side of me which without question would stand idly by waiting for her forever. The very same section of me says that I would not wait forever and it is worth every waking moment, as the moments I spend communicating with her are felt in a different time format feeling like a moment is comparable to a long day. When it comes to love is fighting wrong, I mean fighting for someone. Where do you draw the line? Which leads me to the other side of me. As I progress through this amazing transition I realize that my self esteem, personal care, and self worth have improved significantly. This also helps me not to want to put myself in a position where I was in love with her everyday, but allowed to show it never. In fact it reminds me of pretransition life. Where I hid my feeling's everyday, and buried them until they resurfaced with a vengeance.
So wrote a very emotional email, which I don't feel entirely proper sharing, so here is the brief version:
We have always been in love and been soul mates and we both know it. You never left your first husband, but then divorced him and never found me. You got remarried, and now you call again. You tell me you love me but you wont leave him. And you agree that you should have never left in the first place. I love you and respect you and will not defile your marriage in any way as I love your daughter and I don't want to hurt her. I wont come down there and I wont be calling or writing or texting again. This is the third time that I have felt the devastation from allowing myself to fall deeply into what we have as opposed to looking and then proceeding to safety where my heart does not ache.
Well that was what I sent, to be honest, I really did not even want to do this. I did not even want to push her away. My friendships that I have are amazing but I would have loved to have another supportive friend that I felt comfortable with. I cringed and almost spilled an individual tear for every word I wrote in that email. It was like being on an island and pushing away your only boat into the sea. I feel a little lost tonight, I did not see this outcome, or situation coming at all, blindsided would be lightly putting it.
World, love is so hard. Life is so hard. what do I do. cause everything seems wrong
So the other highlight of the week is that my ford workman was stolen from the front of our house. Long story short lost close to 10-15k in tools. So I am just assuming this van has seen its last day. I pull up near my apartment which is not where the van was stolen from, and it happens to be no more than 50 yards from my front door. Thats where they ditched it, with stolen plates, and not much inside but trash and my ladders. So as you can see I am having a weird karmic week. I don't know how to proceed with anything, In fact all of this makes me want to remain as stationary as possible. I am not a person that does well when I could be thriving but just am not .
I love you all I am to damn tired and honestly to ambivalent at the moment to grammar capit, spell check all this
one love
namaste
Bella Paige
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