Lately I have felt a bit of disconnection from family and friends. I am not exactly sure why. I suppose I have also blockaded myself at my apartment quite a bit more recently. I know that I am finally externally expressing how I feel and letting myself feel all of the emotions of life. Sometimes testosterone has a way of blocking emotions entirely. I am not a doctor and should have done some more research on the subject but none the less; I believe that due to men's instincts to protect, provide, and "peacock" (and by that i refer to the ego that comes along with being a man) that there is a lot less need for the portion of the brain that is emotional. So as the T runs through the brain it would stimulate certain areas associating with the 3 p's. At the same time the lack of estrogen would leave emotional areas of the brain to lie dormant. Now I have always been an emotional girl, I have cried myself to sleep many nights over futile things. I love from the deepest place in heart, and I love and protect my daughter like that of any mother. I will say this, I had no idea what adding fuel to that fire was going to bring. Of course that makes it sound like its in a negative light for me, wrong answer. I have had the happiest moments recently walking down the street, tears running down my face, with the biggest smile on my face borderline giggling. I hope you can see the picture here, truth is I have always felt the emotion, but never could get passed my testosterone filled ego to enjoy it. I never realized how happy and alive I would feel during this transition.
Yes, there is a serious dark side to transitioning. I don't want to belittle that part. I just try not to focus on it. I have just managed to get myself out of a three day super pity party starring and only attended by me. I have been trying to find myself as a woman in this world. Not everyone is happy that John is leaving. In fact I think as he is exiting stage left, so are quite a bit of the people that needed or used him for what he was capable of. I am not trying to separate myself into two people, I just feel that I am being viewed that way. I have always been a woman regardless of my physical appearance. Now that I have done the first selfish thing in my life, (HRT), and allow myself to become outwardly more of who I am and how I feel, funny thing relationships start changing. What I have a hard time figuring out is... why would you want "john" so much, I was very angry, confused, withdrawn, and depressed. I always have come across as much as possible that I am happy in life. I lived the dream that believing I was okay and happy would make it materialize in my life. Well it did, I started my transition, and now I am happy. So that brings me to start questioning those around me, and there intentions. I believe that people naturally have fear surrounding this happening as well. That brings to light for me that my social circle may be backing away because of my fear and lack of assurance towards them that everything is okay. Problem is I have the same fears. I also have learned compassion for myself, I can not take on everyone else's process with this part of my life. Truth is, for the first time in my life I expected to be able to lean on someone else's shoulder for a minute, and hear that everything is going to be okay. I have been that shoulder, the rock, the person who you may call last but you know will make everything ok. I have been that person my whole life. I have never cared what toll it took on me, I always looked at the path with a positive goal in mind, not how much it cost me nor the reward. Another truth, the road I travel has been rewarded 10 fold what I have put in, I have never had anything happen I could not handle, I have never found myself "short" on anything I truly needed. So there it is, what is my release, this blog or my vblog. I speak the truth and honestly with as much respect as possible. I feel better posting this on the internet. Hit fear with 200% of everything you got. I am a very self conscious person. So in turn I air myself and the hardest part of my life here to you. I was scared, the kind where you start to panic, of the idea of piercing my body. So I went in and had a very sensitive part of my body done, It was nothing short of the most spiritual experience i have ever had. I released parts of me that day that I had been holding on to for years. I was the same (panic stricken with fear) about skydiving. Honestly I am not even a big fan of flying. Well you guessed it jumped out of a perfectly good airplane with two German guys and one of my best friends. A story that I personally could never due the justice of retelling. I am afraid of failing, so I don't. I will not give up, I will not quit, and further more i will never fail. Because we are all in control of our own destiny. The idea that I could conquer three of my biggest fears in life leads me to tell myself everything is going to be ok. I know in my heart I am strong enough to do this alone. I am also wise enough to ask my friends and family for help, because a road traveled with loved ones, can be a much brighter place when your facing your darkest moments. I see my therapist, she listens to endless rants and stories that bother me, instead of pointing out the negative portion of every story which is what I often get caught up in. She points out the ways I positively handled it. The boundary between right and wrong has never been an issue for me. I know if I am doing something wrong and am connected enough with my soul to see it before I make the mistake. Not that I always listen, but I know. So when I speak with her, I am honest, I tell her where I made the mistakes and she tells me where I didn't. This style works for me, but is definitely a tool that everyone that is transitioning should carry in there "kit to a healthy transition". If it was not for the darkness in life I would have never grown strong enough to handle this.
The following are truths about how I feel, some I have told others never spoken before.
I feel like a crazy half breed tranny that is going to end up in the gutter somewhere after an unsuccessful transition and being unable to support herself. I am scared to lose my daughter in all of this and the relationship we have. I fear that my gender status will affect her social life to the point of her distancing herself from me. I fear losing all my girlfriends because I am not the guy that was always there doing those gentleman like things, and losing all my guy friends because they like the "bro code" kind of friendships which I have incidentally lost my membership card to. I fear never finding love again as it may seem to complicated to deal with someone with so much baggage @ face value. I fear losing the arena to care for and mother those special people in my life due to being dismissed. Last one, plain and simple, I fear that the pain will never go away from the 32 years I lived as a man in this world, I punished myself again and again for being a woman in hope that I would stop feeling that way. I have burned and cut my body with abandon because I was angry at what I saw. It hurt so bad to be me that that at one point I chose a to try to end my life. A past time has been plucking the male course hair from my face and chest one by one, not to get rid of it but to try to suppress the pain and hide the shear hatred I had for who I was. If you were a SF resident at one time or another you might have seen me... In my car or van, screaming at the top of my lungs, pounding relentlessly on the steering wheel, and asking the universe why, why cant I be a guy or girl, why do I have to be a girl that looks like this, why the pain. why the hardship. what did I do, I will do anything to fix it, just tell me.
Well wrote the last paragraph first but it seemed to be better at the bottom. my eyes have filled with tears and I can no longer see the screen. I seriously love you all whether we have met or not. My heart knows love. and of the pain it only knows not to inflict it on others. thanks for reading
with love light and peace
Bella Paige
So the title... Yeah if your going to label me in the first place my attitude will probably be somewhat dismissive. Not that I don't believe in compassion even for the most ignorant of people. But the truth is that on a daily basis I am not by any means a saint or perfect. I have my moments of slipping up when people stare or misinterpret my gender. I try to keep it a look of confusion, but on occasion I have been known to get defensive of me and my sisters and lash out with distain. I guess what I am trying to get across here is that a smile, and internally dismissing the comments or stares, and externally not showing that they got to you if they did goes a lot further towards correcting the problem.....People need to be taught about my sub culture.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
A quick birthday rant before bed!!!!
I had an absolute wonderful birthday!!! I spent the evening with family and friends at my casa. We had the best crab melts in SF and a little wine and a lot of laughs most importantly. Over all I am not to upset about graduating another year of life so to speak. I mean everyone complains about getting older, so in the true spirit of being me... I think I will write about why I am happy to be 32,
First of all, I am 32 and a parent of a 14 year old. That makes it about 3 years and I finally get the summer break I have been missing since Grade School. I mean as a single trans parent, I cant find the time to vacation. Some days I am not able to find the time to even see what time it is. So I think the best reason for getting older is the ease of completing tasks because of skill and knowledge. Perhaps tied or at least close second would be, knowing where my limits are. My own self awareness is starting to resemble a finely tuned cello. There are certain notes a cello plays that affect me so strongly that I could be put to tears or a soul vibrating smile. This is much like my intuition. I can feel the choice of right and wrong like notes in my head. One side painful and ear screeching, in fact I don't know how I was able to get past that sound and make bad choices throughout my teenage and early twenty's when I was insistent upon throwing caution to the wind. The other side not always glorious by nature, but warm, a blend of summer breeze, with a hint of orange light and the feel of a loved ones embrace. The kind of feeling you get when you help someone out and are pretty surprised at your own actions but feel good you made that choice instinctively as opposed to with hours of gut wrenching debate where doing the "right" thing was a product of self induced guilt.
Last but not least, why I love getting older......
I can afford my own life, I love being able to be responsible for my own actions without fail. I like being reliable. My friends know a lot about me but one that I bet they can all agree on is that I am a reliable person. And further more what that has afforded me today is a Imac. In all its beauty on my desk as I type this. Not a big person for being caught up on possessions per say. But i think if your going to put your energy into obtaining a physical item, it better be amazing.
So, I must move on and say a couple things before I go regarding my transition what part that played in my day today.
That is just the wonderfulness of this transition for me. I waited so long to do it and I am so comfortable with the idea, that I feel like I have been sailing through the days. My body continues to feel like its thriving with all of the hormone changes. I have definitely had to learn more creative ways to get to some of my daily goals. And most importantly the patience I have been affording myself is something I have never had the pleasure of witnessing in myself. I have all the patience in the world for others. Then it comes to me and I have always expected in the past that it be better and faster and cheaper and ..... you get the general point. I feel freed from that, I have started to enjoy the moment to moment of everyday instead of the physically attainable qualities that I could derive from it. Spending the first 31 years of my life filled with testosterone and then changing it up really is mind boggling. I find myself in so many fits of laughter. I am witnessing my entire physic and physical brain, not to be confused with the pesky mind, make a overwhelmingly positive shift to womanhood. As it slowly changes my instinctual habits are changing as well. I notice my cleanliness more than anything. It has gone from moderately clean to borderline a problem. Not really, I spend more time at home now and more time making realistic plans and taking appropriate attainable action. I am also so emotional which is wonderful, because I have always had the emotions but never the physical way for my body to express them. The testosterone wouldn't allow it. You can equate testosterone to a 350 pound center that will make you do what ever he wants and you have no choice but to submit and you know it. The relief I feel just from the absence is worth all the time it took me to get here. I huge pain has been lifted in my life by coming out, taking hormones, and being honest with everyone. the last being the most important of all, for i believe the deceit looming above my spirit for so many years made the light very hard to see.
I have been babbling to long and I am getting sleepy.
love you each and everyone for that special thing in you
xoxo
bella paige
First of all, I am 32 and a parent of a 14 year old. That makes it about 3 years and I finally get the summer break I have been missing since Grade School. I mean as a single trans parent, I cant find the time to vacation. Some days I am not able to find the time to even see what time it is. So I think the best reason for getting older is the ease of completing tasks because of skill and knowledge. Perhaps tied or at least close second would be, knowing where my limits are. My own self awareness is starting to resemble a finely tuned cello. There are certain notes a cello plays that affect me so strongly that I could be put to tears or a soul vibrating smile. This is much like my intuition. I can feel the choice of right and wrong like notes in my head. One side painful and ear screeching, in fact I don't know how I was able to get past that sound and make bad choices throughout my teenage and early twenty's when I was insistent upon throwing caution to the wind. The other side not always glorious by nature, but warm, a blend of summer breeze, with a hint of orange light and the feel of a loved ones embrace. The kind of feeling you get when you help someone out and are pretty surprised at your own actions but feel good you made that choice instinctively as opposed to with hours of gut wrenching debate where doing the "right" thing was a product of self induced guilt.
Last but not least, why I love getting older......
I can afford my own life, I love being able to be responsible for my own actions without fail. I like being reliable. My friends know a lot about me but one that I bet they can all agree on is that I am a reliable person. And further more what that has afforded me today is a Imac. In all its beauty on my desk as I type this. Not a big person for being caught up on possessions per say. But i think if your going to put your energy into obtaining a physical item, it better be amazing.
So, I must move on and say a couple things before I go regarding my transition what part that played in my day today.
That is just the wonderfulness of this transition for me. I waited so long to do it and I am so comfortable with the idea, that I feel like I have been sailing through the days. My body continues to feel like its thriving with all of the hormone changes. I have definitely had to learn more creative ways to get to some of my daily goals. And most importantly the patience I have been affording myself is something I have never had the pleasure of witnessing in myself. I have all the patience in the world for others. Then it comes to me and I have always expected in the past that it be better and faster and cheaper and ..... you get the general point. I feel freed from that, I have started to enjoy the moment to moment of everyday instead of the physically attainable qualities that I could derive from it. Spending the first 31 years of my life filled with testosterone and then changing it up really is mind boggling. I find myself in so many fits of laughter. I am witnessing my entire physic and physical brain, not to be confused with the pesky mind, make a overwhelmingly positive shift to womanhood. As it slowly changes my instinctual habits are changing as well. I notice my cleanliness more than anything. It has gone from moderately clean to borderline a problem. Not really, I spend more time at home now and more time making realistic plans and taking appropriate attainable action. I am also so emotional which is wonderful, because I have always had the emotions but never the physical way for my body to express them. The testosterone wouldn't allow it. You can equate testosterone to a 350 pound center that will make you do what ever he wants and you have no choice but to submit and you know it. The relief I feel just from the absence is worth all the time it took me to get here. I huge pain has been lifted in my life by coming out, taking hormones, and being honest with everyone. the last being the most important of all, for i believe the deceit looming above my spirit for so many years made the light very hard to see.
I have been babbling to long and I am getting sleepy.
love you each and everyone for that special thing in you
xoxo
bella paige
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Beautiful feels more like ....
I suppose the reason I started this blogging bit was to express myself throughout this transition. I wanted to keep this really uplifting as so many trans stories and journeys seem to come with a very dark side. The truth life has it's darker moments too. Here is a bit about my thoughts and day today!
I have spent a lot of time recently engulfing myself in digital transgender media. I have found stories that resemble mine, and to be honest its comforting. Because I know I am not alone, no matter how empty and dark I feel today. Sorry for any typo,I can barely see the screen through my tears. I am afraid, I alway thought of this as a personal piece of information. I knew I who I was early on. I knew what I wanted by age 16. To transition, I had a lot on my plate ar that point and made choices that made ms a parent. At 17, I was a stupid immature girl filled with testosterone and rage from the suppression of my true identity. I feel like I took every action I knew that there was to "fix myself" and it was clearly to no avail. Then I started coming out to people one by one. I can honestly say that no matter how many people I have told and how many have given me love and respect, I hate telling people that met me as John. It seems almost impossible, I mean really I dot blame them, and that's why the tears. I don't exactly know how I got myself here. I am a single, well dad, because that's what my daughter is committed to calling me which I respect. I own and operate two electrical companies, I have been known in the past to be a mans man. I know right! Well take all the fairys in my room down, and the clips out of my hair, what's left is a person that has lived for 31 years as a man and occasionally as a transwoman. I am a woman, I had my stylist ask me recently what I do and I told her. She proceeded to have this look of disgust and said "oh my god I would hate being dirty all day.". I just sat for the rest of my appointment with disappointment. I feel trapped in a world I created. I am trying everyday to find new ways and options to make my life more suitable to how I feel. The question is, is it working. I have a hard time with that one. The hormones softened my body, and I certainly feel at peace with my gender, meaning I am no longer fighting being a woman. But my life does
not match how I feel. A dark and deep array of emotions come up when entertaining the idea of new work and new friends. Not that i don't love my friends and family. Because girl, you know that my heart belongs to my loved ones. Although I insecently get the notion that where I am and where they are can be split by the grand canyon. I do feel super compelled to remind myself that I can be super self conscience and that it is best to take a deep breath and silence the over active mind. Point blank peeps.... I am in fear of losing everything to a transition I will not refuse myself again. Runaway trains are pretty likely to crash and burn. Today I guess that's how it feels. I have set something in motion that I won't stop. Even thought ego, filled with thoughts like, but you make good money, you have always been a good looking guy, and what is this going to so to Kristen?
True statement
" I love my life and those who are in it!
I am a woman
I will stand up and fight for what I believe in whether it easy or difficult
Fear remains in the heart of me even during my proudest and happiest moments
Idealism plagues every thought and action and is hard to escape.
Last one
The love in my heart grows identically parallel to the agony of loss and the matriculation of self doubt. The scales are balanced, not so surprising if you know me.
Waves of love to all of you I endearly think of everyone often and wonder how life transition varies when the journey is not through your own gender. Mid life crisis is another transition and many people I know go through it. Being trans and going through this does not separate me from the world but brings me closer and with good life lessons and humorous stories at my side.
It took me two days and many tears to write this. Leave any commets or questions and thanks for reading my bloody confession of insecurity.
With love and pain
Yours truly
Xoxo
Bella
I have spent a lot of time recently engulfing myself in digital transgender media. I have found stories that resemble mine, and to be honest its comforting. Because I know I am not alone, no matter how empty and dark I feel today. Sorry for any typo,I can barely see the screen through my tears. I am afraid, I alway thought of this as a personal piece of information. I knew I who I was early on. I knew what I wanted by age 16. To transition, I had a lot on my plate ar that point and made choices that made ms a parent. At 17, I was a stupid immature girl filled with testosterone and rage from the suppression of my true identity. I feel like I took every action I knew that there was to "fix myself" and it was clearly to no avail. Then I started coming out to people one by one. I can honestly say that no matter how many people I have told and how many have given me love and respect, I hate telling people that met me as John. It seems almost impossible, I mean really I dot blame them, and that's why the tears. I don't exactly know how I got myself here. I am a single, well dad, because that's what my daughter is committed to calling me which I respect. I own and operate two electrical companies, I have been known in the past to be a mans man. I know right! Well take all the fairys in my room down, and the clips out of my hair, what's left is a person that has lived for 31 years as a man and occasionally as a transwoman. I am a woman, I had my stylist ask me recently what I do and I told her. She proceeded to have this look of disgust and said "oh my god I would hate being dirty all day.". I just sat for the rest of my appointment with disappointment. I feel trapped in a world I created. I am trying everyday to find new ways and options to make my life more suitable to how I feel. The question is, is it working. I have a hard time with that one. The hormones softened my body, and I certainly feel at peace with my gender, meaning I am no longer fighting being a woman. But my life does
not match how I feel. A dark and deep array of emotions come up when entertaining the idea of new work and new friends. Not that i don't love my friends and family. Because girl, you know that my heart belongs to my loved ones. Although I insecently get the notion that where I am and where they are can be split by the grand canyon. I do feel super compelled to remind myself that I can be super self conscience and that it is best to take a deep breath and silence the over active mind. Point blank peeps.... I am in fear of losing everything to a transition I will not refuse myself again. Runaway trains are pretty likely to crash and burn. Today I guess that's how it feels. I have set something in motion that I won't stop. Even thought ego, filled with thoughts like, but you make good money, you have always been a good looking guy, and what is this going to so to Kristen?
True statement
" I love my life and those who are in it!
I am a woman
I will stand up and fight for what I believe in whether it easy or difficult
Fear remains in the heart of me even during my proudest and happiest moments
Idealism plagues every thought and action and is hard to escape.
Last one
The love in my heart grows identically parallel to the agony of loss and the matriculation of self doubt. The scales are balanced, not so surprising if you know me.
Waves of love to all of you I endearly think of everyone often and wonder how life transition varies when the journey is not through your own gender. Mid life crisis is another transition and many people I know go through it. Being trans and going through this does not separate me from the world but brings me closer and with good life lessons and humorous stories at my side.
It took me two days and many tears to write this. Leave any commets or questions and thanks for reading my bloody confession of insecurity.
With love and pain
Yours truly
Xoxo
Bella
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Hair removal, hormones and health
First let me start by saying, I love sept' in SF.
I went to therapy today as I do voluntarily every other week. I say that because if your doing it to fulfill some kind of prerequisite or to save a relationship it may end up fruitless. Mental health is important and having someone that will listen to you being honest with yourself is so important. 1. It helps you here yourself speak it out loud, an admission of sorts. 2. There is a realistic open minded person who is bound by his or her oath to help you! 3. Your not alone processing all of you emotions, being alone when your opening up about your deepest and darkest is difficult even for the strongest of strong.
Hormones
What I have needed since I can remember! I feel amazing every single day. I cant help find myself crying and smiling about everything, never in my life have I enjoyed everything so much. Crying feels normal I love my tears as much as I do the outbursts of silly laughter about simple thoughts or minuscule actions. I suppose this is not what most people talk about when referring to H.R.T. I will get to the physical changes in a minute. What is most important to me is how my entire being is transforming from: this near black and red in color lifeless cowering fearful blend of boy and man, to an honest, courageous, caring, loving >respectfully adamant girl and woman. I know that the hormones are only changing my body but remember, your brain is part of your body, your spiritual energy is stored in your body like fuel. Being transgender for me prior to hormones in linier with putting priestly or monk like person and putting them in a boxing ring in Vegas with gloves and good luck. My energy aligning itself on the kinder and loving side of life, I found it absolutely impossible to keep up the testosterone driven egotistical life I was dropped into by being born with one appendage as opposed to another. It actually felt like life was a game of dodge ball in which I was the last person in the middle with attackers on every side. Painful and terrifying, yup. Thats why this is so beautiful and amazing. I have been to places emotionally and mentally that I cant do justice to even by every synonym to negative that google can come up with. I hope to less and less relate back to my past in these posts. Although I find it so relevant to write and read both sides. There has been so much to learn from and I hope that people can relate to my situation and find solace that at least one person has and always will walk the road of life may it be through " heaven or hell " with an open mind, loving heart, and conscious soul.
Okay now for the physical end of the hormone developement, very much what I expected, a slow transition to softer skin an over all distribution of fat. Which is honestly like a blanket over your muscles tendons veins and bones. My hair, along with an amazing stylist, has gotten thicker. I can see the difference in the thickness of the individual hair. Also I have taken such better care of myself in the way of diet, cleanliness, and also supplementing with vitamins as my entire body is recreating itself. My chest has grown and is absolutely painful. So if you see me massaging my chest, get out of the gutter cause I am trying to loosen the skin and breast tissue that ever so compressed. I cut myself more, although thicker my skin absolutely is more delicate it even sun burns easier. I guess this is where I will say that women are thicker skinned but delicate as hell. This is also where every man should take note, its in womens chemistry to be the we are. And laslty this is also where I apologize for comments I have personally made to women over the years about sucking it up. Honestly I have a new found respect trust me when I say this being a woman and I say this without the having that time of the month, women suck it up everyday. In just about 10 months I have physically lost the ability to "muscle" things. My approach has had to become thoughtful and deliberate to get to the same conclusion I have had the strength to achieve in the past. Humbling in so many ways, but that comes with the territory I suppose, I can feel my ego coming down like the Berlin wall. Both sides coming together and the material in between cherished only as history an something that was over come.
I have got to get to dinner my daughter has got to be starving by now.
So for now I love you all!!!!
I went to therapy today as I do voluntarily every other week. I say that because if your doing it to fulfill some kind of prerequisite or to save a relationship it may end up fruitless. Mental health is important and having someone that will listen to you being honest with yourself is so important. 1. It helps you here yourself speak it out loud, an admission of sorts. 2. There is a realistic open minded person who is bound by his or her oath to help you! 3. Your not alone processing all of you emotions, being alone when your opening up about your deepest and darkest is difficult even for the strongest of strong.
Hormones
What I have needed since I can remember! I feel amazing every single day. I cant help find myself crying and smiling about everything, never in my life have I enjoyed everything so much. Crying feels normal I love my tears as much as I do the outbursts of silly laughter about simple thoughts or minuscule actions. I suppose this is not what most people talk about when referring to H.R.T. I will get to the physical changes in a minute. What is most important to me is how my entire being is transforming from: this near black and red in color lifeless cowering fearful blend of boy and man, to an honest, courageous, caring, loving >respectfully adamant girl and woman. I know that the hormones are only changing my body but remember, your brain is part of your body, your spiritual energy is stored in your body like fuel. Being transgender for me prior to hormones in linier with putting priestly or monk like person and putting them in a boxing ring in Vegas with gloves and good luck. My energy aligning itself on the kinder and loving side of life, I found it absolutely impossible to keep up the testosterone driven egotistical life I was dropped into by being born with one appendage as opposed to another. It actually felt like life was a game of dodge ball in which I was the last person in the middle with attackers on every side. Painful and terrifying, yup. Thats why this is so beautiful and amazing. I have been to places emotionally and mentally that I cant do justice to even by every synonym to negative that google can come up with. I hope to less and less relate back to my past in these posts. Although I find it so relevant to write and read both sides. There has been so much to learn from and I hope that people can relate to my situation and find solace that at least one person has and always will walk the road of life may it be through " heaven or hell " with an open mind, loving heart, and conscious soul.
Okay now for the physical end of the hormone developement, very much what I expected, a slow transition to softer skin an over all distribution of fat. Which is honestly like a blanket over your muscles tendons veins and bones. My hair, along with an amazing stylist, has gotten thicker. I can see the difference in the thickness of the individual hair. Also I have taken such better care of myself in the way of diet, cleanliness, and also supplementing with vitamins as my entire body is recreating itself. My chest has grown and is absolutely painful. So if you see me massaging my chest, get out of the gutter cause I am trying to loosen the skin and breast tissue that ever so compressed. I cut myself more, although thicker my skin absolutely is more delicate it even sun burns easier. I guess this is where I will say that women are thicker skinned but delicate as hell. This is also where every man should take note, its in womens chemistry to be the we are. And laslty this is also where I apologize for comments I have personally made to women over the years about sucking it up. Honestly I have a new found respect trust me when I say this being a woman and I say this without the having that time of the month, women suck it up everyday. In just about 10 months I have physically lost the ability to "muscle" things. My approach has had to become thoughtful and deliberate to get to the same conclusion I have had the strength to achieve in the past. Humbling in so many ways, but that comes with the territory I suppose, I can feel my ego coming down like the Berlin wall. Both sides coming together and the material in between cherished only as history an something that was over come.
I have got to get to dinner my daughter has got to be starving by now.
So for now I love you all!!!!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Yay a new haircut, and trouble with names...
Okay, so I hope to post more often now that I feel a little more settled.
Between the hormonal ups and downs and my amazing daughter starting high school, well I did not even sleep much.
Funny story, I studdered twice today when asked a simple question " can I have your name? John jezzabella Bella I answered with a laugh. Humor is how I choose to handle most situations that are uncomfortable. I quickly proceeded in a nervous fashion to babble some non sence and move on. I left with americano in hand in hopes for a phenomenal cut and style. I assure you that is just what I received too! Spunk in S.F. Is filled with amazing hair artist as well as decorated by interest peaking art pieces. I sat down and almost fell asleep as she washed my hair. I was pondering the entire time what am I suppose to say my name is. I mean I know it's a simple question. But this androge phase leaves people with that understandable, hmm, so guy girl or both. So to end the confusion I often try to throw in a comment about how I am 10 months into my transition. I dint feel anybody "deserves" an explanation about my gender identity. On the same hand, I believe the general public even in liberal san Fran, can be unfamiliar and somewhat lost when it comes to transgender people and or the counterparts no pun. That leads me to believe that If I was to show a little respect and consideration for there often new found look into gender then I might just teach that we are amazing people too and often very balanced because of our nature. This is how I try to parent and conduct my friendships. The more I learn compassion for myself and others short comings, the lighter and happier and less lonely I feel in this crazy world.
Well I will stop with the babbling. I am happy to say that the beautiful transition is leading me daily to laugher joy and tears of every imaginable sort. I have found stepping back so to speak and viewing yourself and current situations is important. That being said, I have never in 30 years of my life felt this amount of contentment with the progression of my life. I am not even sure where this transition will lead in the end. I do that it's amazing and wonderful. I feel alive with hope, Hope inspired by a glance in the mirror, or having my ever so aoft hair brush up against my shoulder. These just two small occurrences that happen throughout the day. These seem insignificant to most people. For me they help me to realize that fostering the woman I have hidden my entire life is and has to remain part of my life forever. I thought along with everyone else that with taking hormones one of two things would happen. Either I would realize it was a phase of life or a fetish for that matter. Or. I would feel normal inside and be able to move on from the hiding place I quve stood in for what seems like eternity. Well ladies and gents I am still here and will continue to be here for quite a while. With all the the love in my heart to everyone. Peace love respect and lught
Between the hormonal ups and downs and my amazing daughter starting high school, well I did not even sleep much.
Funny story, I studdered twice today when asked a simple question " can I have your name? John jezzabella Bella I answered with a laugh. Humor is how I choose to handle most situations that are uncomfortable. I quickly proceeded in a nervous fashion to babble some non sence and move on. I left with americano in hand in hopes for a phenomenal cut and style. I assure you that is just what I received too! Spunk in S.F. Is filled with amazing hair artist as well as decorated by interest peaking art pieces. I sat down and almost fell asleep as she washed my hair. I was pondering the entire time what am I suppose to say my name is. I mean I know it's a simple question. But this androge phase leaves people with that understandable, hmm, so guy girl or both. So to end the confusion I often try to throw in a comment about how I am 10 months into my transition. I dint feel anybody "deserves" an explanation about my gender identity. On the same hand, I believe the general public even in liberal san Fran, can be unfamiliar and somewhat lost when it comes to transgender people and or the counterparts no pun. That leads me to believe that If I was to show a little respect and consideration for there often new found look into gender then I might just teach that we are amazing people too and often very balanced because of our nature. This is how I try to parent and conduct my friendships. The more I learn compassion for myself and others short comings, the lighter and happier and less lonely I feel in this crazy world.
Well I will stop with the babbling. I am happy to say that the beautiful transition is leading me daily to laugher joy and tears of every imaginable sort. I have found stepping back so to speak and viewing yourself and current situations is important. That being said, I have never in 30 years of my life felt this amount of contentment with the progression of my life. I am not even sure where this transition will lead in the end. I do that it's amazing and wonderful. I feel alive with hope, Hope inspired by a glance in the mirror, or having my ever so aoft hair brush up against my shoulder. These just two small occurrences that happen throughout the day. These seem insignificant to most people. For me they help me to realize that fostering the woman I have hidden my entire life is and has to remain part of my life forever. I thought along with everyone else that with taking hormones one of two things would happen. Either I would realize it was a phase of life or a fetish for that matter. Or. I would feel normal inside and be able to move on from the hiding place I quve stood in for what seems like eternity. Well ladies and gents I am still here and will continue to be here for quite a while. With all the the love in my heart to everyone. Peace love respect and lught
Sunday, August 15, 2010
First and Foremost, Welcome !!!!!
Good Morning,
So this is my very first Blog ever!! I feel that the title in this case, said it all. I want you to know this is an ongoing story of something beautiful, magical, and simply amazing.
I feel living in a male born physical body could on mean one thing. Up until this point I was meant to look, sound, and resemble a physical man. Oh and a good job I did. I was blessed in life with many gifts. A beautiful body, strong, about 5'11" and 155-165 pounds. A body made of pure testosterone. Agile, by this I mean physical speed. As a freshman, so to speak, I was asked time and time again by the school track coach, would i consider giving up on football and go out for track. This has led me to many financial and parental opportunities that would have been difficult for me to capitalize on had I been born female bodied.
That being said I want to pay tribute to the 31 years i spent in this testosterone filled temple,
by saying, I love you, I love you for all you have allowed me to do in this world, I love you because you are a expression of me. Thank you for being there and thank you for allowing me to learn many wisdom's found in the male culture. Thank you for carrying me to the start of a new era in my life.
The true start to this transition started before I can even remember. I just remember at age 4 looking through my mothers things and absolutely adoring them. I like to share this moment only so I can explain a little detail. I felt completely at home then and have everyday since then with being a woman. I feel there may be a huge misconception in my social circle, and hopefully in others as well. I am not unhappy. The more I allow myself to nurture that little girl who was never allowed to exist externally. The more my light shines, the more my heart loves, and the more I heal those around me.
Good Night For Now!!!!
peace love and light
So this is my very first Blog ever!! I feel that the title in this case, said it all. I want you to know this is an ongoing story of something beautiful, magical, and simply amazing.
I feel living in a male born physical body could on mean one thing. Up until this point I was meant to look, sound, and resemble a physical man. Oh and a good job I did. I was blessed in life with many gifts. A beautiful body, strong, about 5'11" and 155-165 pounds. A body made of pure testosterone. Agile, by this I mean physical speed. As a freshman, so to speak, I was asked time and time again by the school track coach, would i consider giving up on football and go out for track. This has led me to many financial and parental opportunities that would have been difficult for me to capitalize on had I been born female bodied.
That being said I want to pay tribute to the 31 years i spent in this testosterone filled temple,
by saying, I love you, I love you for all you have allowed me to do in this world, I love you because you are a expression of me. Thank you for being there and thank you for allowing me to learn many wisdom's found in the male culture. Thank you for carrying me to the start of a new era in my life.
The true start to this transition started before I can even remember. I just remember at age 4 looking through my mothers things and absolutely adoring them. I like to share this moment only so I can explain a little detail. I felt completely at home then and have everyday since then with being a woman. I feel there may be a huge misconception in my social circle, and hopefully in others as well. I am not unhappy. The more I allow myself to nurture that little girl who was never allowed to exist externally. The more my light shines, the more my heart loves, and the more I heal those around me.
Good Night For Now!!!!
peace love and light
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