Monday, October 25, 2010

Some men get Penis Envy, I just have dysphoria.

I talked about this topic briefly on my vlog, although I did not really express to much of what it feels like.  I fell short with words when I was speaking about it.  Although it has become a source of discomfort for me emotionally and mentally recently.  As I integrate myself into woman hood I feel more and more disconnected from anything that is male, especially the junk part.  I never felt this before and have always read other trans people stories about how they cant stand it or cant look at it.  All variations of the same thing.  I dont have that distaste for myself in anyway.  I am getting farther and farther from hating myself in anyway to be honest.  Truth be told though, it is a cumbersome weight to bare daily.  From being very particular about what I wear, to not really looking down or trying to mentally block out that it is there.  But to no avail.  So I suppose that this comes along with the territory.  I feel like the hardest part about this recent development of distaste is that it pushes me to really consider srs.  It is not that I never wanted the "Full" transition.   Its just that, who is not afraid of surgery right.   Well either way its starting to feel like the right idea for the future.  The future being after I go through ffs all my laser hair removal and completely paid off my daughter high school and further more hopefully have something to send her off to college with.

Well anyway, I also feel that I have been really mentally letting go of that male ego, or "JOHN" so to speak.  Not that I did not and do not value the personality I created.  Hell to be honest, I am pretty damn proud of the work that I put into what I call passing as male and feel more self respect for going through what I did than any negative feeling at all.  I can say that I feel like a few people are having a hard time with the departure of it.  And blame them I don't.  The truth is that I created a man's image in my mind of what I would want be if I was a man.  I had fun with it. I even jumped to the negative side of it during my teenage years.  Meaning I became a heartless asshole, who needed not to think of others reality only his.  Well I learned quick that was not something I wanted to portray.  I explored what it meant to be male, to work harder than you thought you could, to push your body beyond the limit and then going beyond that point.  I was an incurable workaholic, with reckless abandon.  I have finally got to see from my own perspective how that person almost took over me and brought me to the brink of death.  In 2006 my suicide  attempt was only validated by the understanding I gained from it, life is to fucking short to pretend to be something your not.  So that is when the journey truly began for me.  I vowed when I failed that day to make the life inside me a reality and not an embarrassment.  I now find myself looking down at my ever changing body, and I am starting to see it transform.  And the more I allow myself to feel beautiful and proud of who I am the more my physical reality follows suit.  Somedays in truth I look in the mirror and still wonder if all of the male I see and feel will ever subside into my heart where I derived it.  Well one thing is for sure, my male tendencies, "chalked up the deuces".  I am super emotional and unrealistic to take the place of it though.  I incessantly fix my hair, and powder my face, lotion my skin, etc etc etc.  I worry more about my daughter's feelings than I ever had.  I have really enjoyed the new side of our relationship a lot.  Parenting has changed a lot in the last two years since she was 12.  She physically needs me less, well with the exception I think she would forget half her life if I did not remind her.  But she has her own life developing.  Her own social circle to worry and think about.  Her own body and mind issues to work out.   And lets not forget about Facebook twitter Skype, tumbler and myspace.  That could consume hours upon hours.  If there is time left she normally ends up reading and on a rare occasion watches television.  Well the bright side is that it has given me the opportunity to focus on changes I have needed to work on for a long time.

I want to particularly thank my friends and family this week that have made an effort  to be there present in my life and help me through this.  I can say that dani, lauren and katie and my dad have all had such impeccable timing in calling me or sending me love.    I know I have been such a bitch in the past I may have pushed you away, deleted you Facebook or not answered your calls.  I am trying to put all that behind me with the anger I carried for so many years.  You all deserve a big hug and a vacation that I wish I could bring you all on.  At least its over right!!!

well thats it for now,
peace love light and honesty
Bella Paige

Thursday, October 21, 2010

my process with facial feminization surgery

Recently I had my consultation appointment at Bay Area Aesthetic Surgery.  Dr Joel B Beck was the surgeon I was scheduled to see.  I arrived about 30 minutes early to fill out paperwork, although I could have chosen the optional online version I chose todo it in there office.  Parking was easy, at there San Mateo location on Bovet Road.  There is an outdoor shopping center across the street in case you arrive early!!  Upon entering there office I immediately became very comfortable with environment.  It had a very uplifting and peaceful vibe.  I approached the front counter and was greeted pleasantly by two women at the front desk.  Both eager to help, they gave me the appropriate forms, thanked me for coming early and said I could have a seat and fill them out.  The Dr will be with you shortly.  I filled out all of the forms that were fairly inquisitive, I always say you can't do a good job unless you have all the information up front.  So no biggeeee!  I did not sit long before I was moved into a private room with Dr. Joel.  I looked around the room, and saw many different plagues on the walls, from hospitals in many places and practicing many different functions of plastic and reconstructive surgery.  I was particularly impressed with the fact he had done emergency reconstructive type surgeries.  If you haven't seen everything in life you can't possibly be a master in your field.  Well upon him entering I was immediately comforted by his calm and gentle nature.  He was so wonderfully careful about everything we talked about.  I think this must be hard for doctor's, to ask you what you want them to fix on your body.  He handled himself very well and asked me what I thought I might want or need.  I explained to him that I was doing FFS and wanted his opinion, but the work concentrated around my eye brows, nose and cheeks.  So He began showing me quite a few pictures of before and after different procedures.  I began to see that even the smallest change makes a big difference and I also began to get a little giddy, as the work I need done was less than I expected.  But, what was super cool is we did a little mini photo shoot, of my face of course.  Then he uploaded the photo's to his computer and opened up his nifty little version of photoshop.  And he literally on screen changed the shape and contour of my face until it was a representation of completed ffs, Its not a photo studio but damn it definitely gave me a good visualization of what I was doing this to achieve.  We then went into a nearby office where Dr. Joel and Jasmine both went over all of the fine print so to speak.  They gave me the cost and were very good about explaining scheduling and payment procedures.  They also set you up, if need be, for over night after care at a nearby San Francisco location.  I believe that might be more for there Trans patients, as I understand people travel some distance to see him.  I honestly feel blessed I only had to travel a half an hour to be in the company of qualified surgeon's and staff.

So that was my experience at the actual office, but here is more of the personal side of processing this upcoming event.  I have always had some concern and self controversy over plastic surgery.  I try relentlessly to convince myself that this is reconstructive surgery but you know if anything is true I live in reality.  Truth be told I am super nervous about the pain.  I have been through my fair share of pain in life, from broken bones, falling 30 feet from a ladder, and reconstructive surgery on my left knee and elbow all the way to self induced pain from tatoo's, piercing, self scarification. That never takes away the thought of pain you are to endure though.  The second issue is more of a spiritual one.   I believe in a lot of ways that we are born to fate so to speak.  I feel very connected with this planet, nature and balance of things.  I believe in karma, I believe that everything is balanced by a counter part.  So what am I to lose and gain from this in all honesty was my question.  I am loosing  my male qualities, which believe me I have a few ex's who actually asked me not to do this.  I am permanently changing what I was given at birth.  There are problems beyond any surgeon's control, every procedure has a risk.  I am spending a small fortune on my face, makes me feel a little selfish, hey I am being honest.  I have to remember not to get caught up in the physical part of this transition as it is complete reorganization of my life not just a physical transformation.  Preparing myself for this, has been difficult.  Convincing myself it was okay to want this and furthermore okay to spend the money on it took a long time to get past.  Then getting the courage to actually call and complete an appointment was another accomplishment as I was very nervous about the entire process.  The money, in this case I mean coming up with it, is going to be hard.  I am less and less capable of making endless amounts of money as I get older and settle in to adulthood and the idea of pacing myself.  So I know this may not be tomorrow, but I am happy it will be sooner than later and that I found an amazing Doctor and staff to help me achieve this dream I have had since I was very young.
If there area any question regarding this process please ask I would be more than happy to answer
xoxo
Bella Paige

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

transition starts to go up hill, where the hell did I put my hiking boots?

Hey everyone, well I thought I would take a second to say what a wonderful amazing life as a transperson is.  Well mostly I wish it was all amazing and wonderful, although this weekend, left a lot to be desired.
''Don't make eye contact with him, giggle giggle, "  and "omg"   or how about infamous tap on the shoulder followed by "oh shit" when I turn around.  Okay the last one is probably the one that hurts the most.  I have to not let peoples ignorance belittle the person I am.  I have been to deep dark places and up to the highest clouds in my lifetime both literally and figuratively.  One thing I have found no matter where I am is... Accepting myself and having others accept me as well, Is the hardest part of this transition.  I know that if I have a hard time with this, than everybody else who is not blessed with the 25 years of research I have done on this topic, will surely be a little more off kilter so to speak.  So I try to ignore the comments from strangers as I know that standing up and belittling them in public is dangerous, and unfruitful in everyday.  I don't want people to think that trans folk are dangerous or aggressive.  I don't want to give the power to the three guys at the counter by showing them it hurt my feelings.  And further I don't want to raise my daughter to handle situation like that.  I must say the rudeness that people unleash on to others has got to end.  I personally have made it a quest in my life to "check my attitude".  Now obviously I have quite a few different things that I work on in life.  See, for me this is all about becoming the person that I am, learning to be accepting and loving of myself.  My existence has never known a limitation when helping family and friends, In fact almost anybody in need.  Of course over the years that has been limited to what our family can afford, as I have a daughter and have to put her ahead of everything, happily I might add.  So any hoo, I have given myself a limited amount of space to express who I was, I surrounded myself with people who were strong willed.  I watched and helped them journey and they would seem to drift away and on with the next one.  Life is  full of change, so don't throw your pennies away.  Well now that I am in my 30's I have been blessed with the information that, I can be gracious to myself as well.  I will be honest I am still unsure about that last sentence due to the fact that, I try my best to implement that into my daily life but do not always succeed.  As I force this upon myself I feel better.  Its a long road to recovery from self hatred.  Just because I realized I was a woman, and realized that I was in a man's body, was never directly linked in my brain to the part where, I feel terrible, I feel like I am trapped, I feel alone, I feel different from everyone, I will just isolate myself.  So now, once the synapses was created in my brain linking the two, I am able to process those feeling for what they are, and be very gentle and work them out one my one.  I have started to come out of my shell much because the shell I was born in feels nothing like where I am now.  I cant say I woke up in a woman's body this morning, but I have seen so much change in the last 11 months it is truly amazing.  Everything from my skin softening and thickening in the atypical female regions, my hair started to grow back from where it had slightly receded to my original hairline, my hair became softer and less dry and stringy.  There is definitely breast growth, I suppose its between na and a.  All of the fat I didn't have before redistributed to my thighs and ass.  My muscles now that my doses of my medication are correct seem to be losing definition a little bit, although I don't help the situation by working my little but off everyday.   A lot of my hair growth on my chest neck and face just stopped.  I am lucky, as for a lot of people thats not the case at all.  Which brings me to..... So glad I did not wait any longer to do this.  I was starting to feel the pressure of my body aging and saying to me if your gonna do this ever do it now, referring to my transition of course.  So I walked in with a form I had in my possession for 3 years saw a doctor and she gave me the prescription. I filled it and started immediately.  I will tell you the changes it has made on my mental status are amazing, I  feel so much better about my body and also with the absence of testosterone which I detest by the way, I was at home.  I never felt better, physically the first few weeks were hard, in fact Sleeping has become very important ever since I started.  I feel exhausted constantly from my body breaking down and rebuilding itself one area at a time.  I feel like a construction site and let me tell you its not easy.  Certain days I wake up and I feel like overnight neuropathy set in in a whole area of muscles, well essentially that is what happened, just amazing how nothing can happen for a month or so and then over night your body just decides, lets do this all tonight.  I don't know medically if that is true, but I am pretty in touch with my body and often have been correct about my diagnosis.  so I say this science is cool but watch out, cause its not always easy.  Well anyway, that brings me back to current.  The other time in between flew by, really work and planning, my daughters graduation, high school applications, 3 lost iphone's by my daughter, and a breakup that was hard to.  I suppose thats all for now its getting late.  Love and peace to everyone.
xoxo
Bella Paige

Thursday, October 14, 2010

an entire week of tears, A Dani, a grand theft auto, and Replacing all my tools

I have to write cause I have to get this out.  The emotional roller coaster that began sunday when a soulmate from a different time contacted me.  I thought the universe was sponsoring this specific fate driven event.  Truth is I always believe in fate, I just always feel like I know why its happening.  Well here goes why I am dead wrong, why I cant stop crying, and why being trans for the first time in a long time took a back seat to something true in my heart.


Dani, oh you would have to meet this woman to understand, we have had a very deep and elongated sort of string of relationships.  The seven years ending only today by my own sword had been filled with love but mostly distance and loneliness.  I bet your all wondering where this is going, why the hell if it was filled with those qualities that I would allow my delicate maturing womanhood go forth and pursue this again.


Love, true love the kind that hurts, hurts deep.  The love that a shift in the earths plates could not pull apart, a love so bountiful in my heart, i felt I could beautify the entire world with its strength.  This very love called out in my mind and body on sun.  Why don't you check your myspace, I mean nothing else to do seen everything on Facebook and returned all my emails.  So after not being on there in two years, my account picture remains the same ol blond haired boy, with an off handed name my daughter at some point changed.  I clicked on mail as I thought well lets see.  So I proceeded to delete the overflowing mail server of spam, I came across a message that read,


"Hey. You probably don't even check this anymore, but I thought id give it a try anyway. I've been putting off tracking you down. I want to apologize to you. I was horrible to you and you probably don't even care anymore, but I've felt guilty for years now. You're a good man. You're a decent man. I treated you badly and I'm sorry for it. That's it. I don't expect to hear from you, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't try to contact me. I just needed to get that off my chest."


Well I was shocked, for two reasons, one she had sent the email the very same day just hours before I checked it.  and two, the last time I spoke with dani, was five years before, when she had been out here with her husband.  The night she took a hold of me looked into my eyes and said, i love you and kissed me three feet from the door her husband was sitting on the other side of.  Now there were conversations that went back and forth after that night, i was attempting to move to facilitate her and her daughter moving here.  I felt that even though the next weeks ahead were traumatic that our love was no match for the challenge.  hmmmm  Only problem was  i got a phone call, went sorta like this but don't quote me cause  I wont lie, I tried to forget this for years, but I have never been right since.  John, We can never talk again, you coerced me into the this and you have almost ruined my marriage lose my number and never call again.  Well I said to myself just after she hung up.  That I would never take relationships again seriously.  Now I have been in relationships that have been or seemed pretty serious afterwards.  In fact I fell in love as deep as I possibly could with a section of my heart gone.  


But anyway this brings me to the fact, I told her when we texted on sun that I would be friends with her.  I mean I did not know what else to say.  I was engulfed in the feeling of her presence all around me the very person who still and always will carry a piece of me with her everywhere.  I believed again and had faith again, that this couldn't happen again.  But truth is I think it was the first or second response from her I felt like my emotional in box started over flowing with thoughts and emotions she and her daughter were sending me.  well we have gone back and forth for two three days,  I had to confront this thing head on,  I know how it felt before and I could already feel the super intense and impossible to ignore love all over again.  So i tried to shut it up, I did.  PFFFFtttt that was not happening or working cause let me tell you, I would not be in tears if any of this worked.  


So i wrote I tried to become more and more blunt until i said screw it I am going to texas.  Despite the crazy week and the insane lead story to this and the stolen van this week, I said screw it It cant hurt to go.  Well when I attempted to tell her I was coming I felt the need to bring up details about love and me and her.  Turns out I was wrong apparently, fate or not its not our fate or one she will allow.  Although I did receive a message saying, " I love you i always have loved you and I always will love you."  Truth is everyone, what am I suppose to do hear.  There is one side of me which without question would stand idly by waiting for her forever.  The very same section of me says that I would not wait forever and it is worth every waking moment, as the moments I spend communicating with her are felt in a different time format feeling like a moment is comparable to a long day.  When it comes to love is fighting wrong, I mean fighting for someone.  Where do you draw the line? Which leads me to the other side of me.  As I progress through this amazing transition I realize that my self esteem, personal care, and self worth have improved significantly.  This also helps me not to want to put myself in a position where I was in love with her everyday, but allowed to show it never. In fact it reminds me of pretransition life.  Where I hid my feeling's everyday, and buried them until they resurfaced with a vengeance.


So wrote a very emotional email, which I don't feel entirely proper sharing, so here is the brief version:


We have always been in love and been soul mates and we both know it.  You never left your first husband, but then divorced him and never found me.  You got remarried, and now you call again.  You tell me you love me but you wont leave him.  And you agree that you should have never left in the first place.  I love you and respect you and will not defile your marriage in any way as I love your daughter and I don't want to hurt her.  I wont come down there and I wont be calling or writing or texting again.  This is the third time that I have felt the devastation from allowing myself to fall deeply into what we have as opposed to looking and then proceeding to safety where my heart does not ache.


Well that was what I sent,  to be honest, I really did not even want to do this.  I did not even want to push her away.  My friendships that I have are amazing but I would have loved to have another supportive friend that I felt comfortable with.  I cringed and almost spilled an individual tear for every word I wrote in that email.  It was like being on an island and pushing away your only boat into the sea.  I feel a little lost tonight, I did not see this outcome, or situation coming at all, blindsided would be lightly putting it.  


World, love is so hard.  Life is so hard.  what do I do.  cause everything seems wrong


So the other highlight of the week is that my ford workman was stolen from the front of our house.  Long story short lost close to 10-15k in tools.  So I am just assuming this van has seen its last day.  I pull up near my apartment which is not where the van was stolen from, and it happens to be no more than 50 yards from my front door.  Thats where they ditched it, with stolen plates, and not much inside but trash and my ladders.  So as you can see I am having a weird karmic week.  I don't know how to proceed with anything, In fact all of this makes me want to remain as stationary as possible.  I am not a person that does well when I could be thriving but just am not .  


I love you all I am to damn tired and honestly to ambivalent at the moment to grammar capit, spell check all this
one love
namaste


Bella Paige

Sunday, October 10, 2010

10-10-10 transexual-transgender-tranny........whatever

Lately I have felt a bit of disconnection from family and friends.  I am not exactly sure why.  I suppose I have also blockaded myself at my apartment quite a bit more recently.  I know that I am finally externally expressing how I feel and letting myself feel all of the emotions of life.  Sometimes testosterone has a way of blocking emotions entirely.  I am not a doctor and should have done some more research on the subject but none the less; I believe that due to men's instincts to protect, provide, and "peacock" (and by that i refer to the ego that comes along with being a man) that there is a lot less need for the portion of the brain that is emotional.  So as the T runs through the brain it would stimulate certain areas associating with the 3 p's.  At the same time the lack of estrogen would leave emotional areas of the brain to lie dormant.   Now I have always been an emotional girl, I have cried myself to sleep many nights over futile things.  I love from the deepest place in heart, and I love and protect my daughter like that of any mother.  I will say this, I had no idea what adding fuel to that fire was going to bring.    Of course that makes it sound like its in a negative light for me, wrong answer.  I have had the happiest moments recently walking down the street, tears running down my face, with the biggest smile on my face borderline giggling.  I hope you can see the picture here, truth is I have always felt the emotion, but never could get passed my testosterone filled ego to enjoy it.  I never realized how happy and alive I would feel during this transition.

Yes, there is a serious dark side to transitioning.  I don't want to belittle that part.  I just try not to focus on it.  I have just managed to get myself out of a three day super pity party starring and only attended by me.  I have been trying to find myself as a woman in this world.  Not everyone is happy that John is leaving.  In fact I think as he is exiting stage left, so are quite a bit of the people that needed or used him for what he was capable of.  I am not trying to separate myself into two people,  I just feel that I am being viewed that way.  I have always been a woman regardless of my physical appearance.  Now that I have done the first selfish thing in my life, (HRT),  and allow myself to become outwardly more of who I am and how I feel, funny thing relationships start changing.  What I have a hard time figuring out is... why would you want "john" so much, I was very angry, confused, withdrawn, and depressed.  I always have come across as much as possible that I am happy in life.  I lived the dream that believing I was okay and happy would make it materialize in my life.  Well it did, I started my transition, and now I am happy.  So that brings me to start questioning those around me, and there intentions.  I believe that people naturally have fear surrounding this happening as well.  That brings to light for me that my social circle may be backing away because of my fear and lack of assurance towards them that everything is okay.  Problem is I have the same fears.  I also have learned compassion for myself, I can not take on everyone else's process with this part of my life.  Truth is, for the first time in my life I expected to be able to lean on someone else's shoulder for a minute, and hear that everything is going to be okay.  I have been that shoulder, the rock, the person who you may call last but you know will make everything ok.  I have been that person my whole life.  I have never cared what toll it took on me, I always looked at the path with a positive goal in mind, not how much it cost me  nor the reward.  Another truth, the road I travel has been rewarded 10 fold what I have put in, I have never had anything happen I could not handle, I have never found myself "short" on anything I truly needed.  So there it is, what is my release, this blog or my vblog.  I speak the truth and honestly with as much respect as possible.  I feel better posting this on the internet.  Hit fear with 200% of everything you got.  I am a very self conscious person. So in turn I air myself and the hardest part of my life here to you.  I was scared, the kind where you start to panic, of the idea of piercing my body.  So I went in and had a very sensitive part of my body done, It was nothing short of the most spiritual experience i have ever had.  I released parts of me that day that I had been holding on to for years.  I was the same (panic stricken with fear) about skydiving.  Honestly I am not even a big fan of flying.  Well you guessed it jumped out of a perfectly good airplane with two German guys and one of my best friends.  A story that I personally could never due the justice of retelling.   I am afraid of failing, so I don't.  I will not give up, I will not quit, and further more i will never fail.  Because we are all in control of our own destiny.  The idea that I could conquer three of my biggest fears in life leads me to tell myself everything is going to be ok.  I know in my heart I am strong enough to do this alone.  I am also wise enough to ask my friends and family for help, because a road traveled with loved ones, can be a much brighter place when your facing your darkest moments.  I see my therapist, she listens to endless rants and stories that bother me, instead of pointing out the negative portion of every story which is what I often get caught up in.  She points out the ways I positively handled it.  The boundary between right and wrong has never been an issue for me.  I know if I am doing something wrong and am connected enough with my soul to see it before I make the mistake.  Not that I always listen, but I know.  So when I speak with her, I am honest, I tell her where I made the mistakes and she tells me where I didn't.  This style works for me, but is definitely a tool that everyone that is transitioning should carry in there "kit to a healthy transition".  If it was not for the darkness in life I would have never grown strong enough to handle this.

The following are truths about how I feel, some I have told others never spoken before.

I feel like a crazy half breed tranny that is going to end up in the gutter somewhere after an unsuccessful transition and being unable to support herself.  I am scared to lose my daughter in all of this and the relationship we have.  I fear that my gender status will affect her social life to the point of her distancing herself from me.  I fear losing all my girlfriends because I am not the guy that was always there doing those gentleman like things, and losing all my guy friends because they like the "bro code" kind of friendships which I have incidentally lost my membership card to.  I fear never finding love again as it may seem to complicated to deal with someone with so much baggage @ face value.  I fear losing the arena to care for and mother those special people in my life due to being dismissed.  Last one, plain and simple, I fear that the pain will never go away from the 32 years I lived as a man in this world, I punished myself again and again for being a woman in hope that I would stop feeling that way.  I have burned and cut my body with abandon because I was angry at what I saw.  It hurt so bad to be me that that at one point I chose a to try to end my life.  A past time has been plucking the male course hair from my face and chest one by one, not to get rid of it but to try to suppress the  pain and hide the shear hatred I had for who I was.  If you were a SF resident at one time or another you might have seen me... In my car or van, screaming at the top of my lungs, pounding relentlessly on the steering wheel, and asking the universe why, why cant I be a guy or girl, why do I have to be a girl that looks like this, why the pain. why the hardship.  what did I do, I will do anything to fix it, just tell me.

Well wrote the last paragraph first but it seemed to be better at the bottom.  my eyes have filled with tears and I can no longer see the screen.  I seriously love you all whether we have met or not.  My heart knows love.  and of the pain it only knows not to inflict it on others.  thanks for reading
with love light and peace
Bella Paige





So the title... Yeah if your going to label me in the first place my attitude will probably be somewhat dismissive.  Not that I don't believe in compassion even for the most ignorant of people.  But the truth is that on a daily basis I am not by any means a saint or perfect.  I have my moments of slipping up when people stare or misinterpret my gender.  I try to keep it a look of confusion, but on occasion I have been known to get defensive of me and my sisters and lash out with distain.  I guess what I am trying to get across here is that a smile, and internally dismissing the comments or stares, and externally not showing that they got to you if they did goes a lot further towards correcting the problem.....People need to be taught about my sub culture.